FLASHBACK: April 28, 2012

So Billie had picture day at school a couple months ago. Sadly, we weren’t able to get any pictures of her because we couldn’t pick her up that day and then, when they came back 3 weeks later, we were in California. LAME. But, thankfully, they gave all the kids they photographed T-shirts with their picture on them. This is the most amazing idea ever. Hand a narcissistic two-year-old a T-shirt with their own face on it. I wish I had been a part of that marketing strategy. I’d be a millionaire.

Anyways, this is a real conversation I had with Doug the other day. It made me happy.

Doug: “So, Billie’s wearing her special shirt tonight and I promised her she could wear it for school tomorrow, too. So, please. Just let her wear it or she’ll go nuts.”

Me: “Her special shirt? Which one is that?”

Doug: “The one with her picture on it. She’s obsessed. Everything I said to her tonight I also had to say to her shirt.”

Me: (I can’t help it. I’m laughing. The visual is just too much) “Wait. She made you talk to her shirt?”

Doug: “Oh yea. I’d say, ‘Goodnight Billie. I love you’ and kiss her on the forehead and she’d go, ‘Now say it to Billie, too’ and hold out her shirt. So, there I was, a grown ass man. Talking to a shirt. Felt a damn fool.”

Me: “Oh. That’s amazing. Did she make you kiss the shirt goodnight too?”

Doug: “I’d rather not say.”

Me: “You kissed her shirt goodnight, didn’t you??”

Doug: (hangs his head ashamed. Then thinks for a moment) “What is with the narcissim in this family?”

Me: “Well. Can you blame us? We’re fucking beautiful.”

Doug: “At least we know it’s genetic.”

I’d like to also add that Doug is an amazing father. I don’t know too many men who would willingly have a conversation with a shirt all night.