Take The Compliment

Billie: “All I really know about mommy is that she’s crazy.”

Doug: “That’s not everything. Your mother is artistic and kind. She’s one of the most giving and genuine people–”

Me: “Ew. Gross. Stop this. Stop this right now.”

Doug: “She also LOVES when you say nice things about her.”

Me: “You are not in charge of my eulogy. This is a snore fest.”

Billie: “So. My mom’s crazy AND she hates feelings. Got it.”

Take The Compliment

True Love


Me: “Well I would hope so.”

Billie: “Really?”

Doug: “Yea, I’ve had many girlfriends. But only one true love (he reaches forward and grabs my hand). This woman right here. Your mom.”

Billie: “Awwww!”

Me: “Aw, honey. Thank you. And I, too, have one true love.”

Billie: “Daddy?”

Me: “Nope. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.”

Billie: “YES, WOMAN! YES! That’s my one true love, too! All hail mint chip!!”

Doug: (yanking his hand back) “I hate you both.”

True Love

It was a long shirt.

Me: “Man. I just am not about that pants life. No pants for me. Not today.”

Doug: “You are aware that all of our blinds are open, right?”

Me: “Meh. My vagina is covered.”

Billie: (From the other room) “Whoa. IN WHAT???!”

Me: (to Doug) “What is she expecting my vagina to be covered in? Like, what are the options there?”

Doug: “(sigh) …None of this would have mattered if you had just put on pants.”

It was a long shirt.

JoJo’s Across The Ages

Billie: “Have you heard of the singer JoJo?”

Doug: “Of course!”

Billie: “Yea, she’s really cool. All the kids at my school love her. She has this song called ‘Boomerang.'”

Doug: “Oh. We’re talking about a different JoJo.”

Billie: “Yea, my JoJo has a song everyone loves.”

Doug: “My JoJo had a song that everyone loved called ‘Get Out.'”

Billie: “Well, the kids love my JoJo.”

Doug: “I mean, the JoJo I’m talking about was really popular too.”

Billie: “Ok. But this JoJo is young.”

Doug: “Well, the JoJo I was talking about was young, too.”

Billie: “Dad. I’m talking, like, born in this century. Not 1892.”

Now Doug’s playing JoJo’s ‘Get Out’ on repeat while she screams ‘Not the same, old man! NOT THE SAME.’

JoJo’s Across The Ages

True Love

While watching “Raiders of the Lost Arc:”

Billie: “Why are the girls looking at him like that?”

Doug: “They think he’s dreamy.”

Billie: “What does that mean? That they like him?”

Me: “Yea, as in they have dreams about him because he’s so cute. She wrote “love you” on her eyelids so, every time she blinked, she was sending him a message of her love.”

Billie: “Whoa. That’s intense. He’s not THAT dreamy.”

Me: “Are you kidding me? That man is hella dreamy. I’d write “love you” on every body part I had if I thought it would do me any good.”

Billie: “Father. Do you hear this? Your wife thinks another man is dreamy.”

Doug: “Billie, that’s Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones. I do not fault your mother one bit.”

True Love


Billie: “I drew this with my right hand. I’m happy I’m right handed. Left handers are cookoo birds.”

Me: “Billie, I’m left handed.”

Billie: “My point stands, ya cookoo bird.”


The Floor Is Still Sticky From This…

FLASHBACK to May 17, 2015


This is the text I just sent to Doug:

“So I was brushing my teeth and I hear what sounded like a wave crashing in the kitchen. Knowing full well that there is not an ocean in our house, I ran toward the sound to find Billie standing in 2 inches of lemonade crying. We get towels to clean up, but she is so out of her mind bereft that she can’t calm down enough to wipe up the mess. So we stand there, together, in a pool of lemonade and do our belly breaths until she calms down. I finally get her calm, go to grab the lysol, and she moved to walk out of the room to get another towel and does this cartoon style flip and lands ass up on the kitchen floor. I can’t help it- I laugh- and in doing so, I lose my footing, slip, and shower us both in Lysol. We just sat there, in 2+ inches of Lysol lemonade, giggling manically until I realized I was the adult and had to handle the situation.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: I mopped the kitchen floor. Sorta. You’re welcome.”

He is one lucky guy.

The Floor Is Still Sticky From This…