My saggy butt as a lesson

Me: “So the word is ‘rondure.’

Billie: “That means ‘gracefully round!’”

Me: “Perfect! How would we use that in a sentence?”

Billie: “Your butt is not rondure.”

Me: “Right. My butt is a flat pancake.”

Billie: “That’s a metaphor!”

Me: “And what if I said, ‘My butt is like a saggy ‘w?’”

Billie: “That’s a simile!”

Me: “Now we’re getting it!”

…Homeschooling is going great.

My saggy butt as a lesson

Appropriate content & Parent teacher meetings

Doug: “Damn, I make a good housewife.”

Me: “yea you do! I don’t, though. What’s that song? ‘You should never try to make a hoe a housewife?’”

Billie: “Make a hoe a housewife?”

Me: “Yea, it was off Dr. Dre’s Chronic 2001 album.”

Doug: “I really don’t think any of this is appropriate content for our child, Heather.”

Me: “This is the same child who made a kid’s friendly version of ‘WAP.’ I do believe that ship has sailed.”

Billie: “🎶 Get a bucket and a mop for these Sunday chores, Gimme everything you got for these Sunday chores 🎶”

Doug: “(to me) You are gunna be so screwed when school goes back into session. You’ll be at all the parent meetings.”

Me: “How is that any different from normal?”

Billie: “She’s right, Dad. My mouth gets us in trouble all the time.”

Appropriate content & Parent teacher meetings

Bringing a Prop to a Joke Fight

Me: “Douglas. Let me get this straight: Billie insulted your height…”
Doug: “Yes.”
Me: “And your response was, ‘Don’t act like I can’t control your height- I can just stop feeding you’???”
Doug: “THEY BROUGHT IN A MEASURING TAPE. THEY BROUGHT IN PROPS TO A JOKE FIGHT! I couldn’t just let them win. I won’t go down like that.”

….There’s clowning and then there’s whatever it is we’re doing. 😂🤣😂

Bringing a Prop to a Joke Fight

Requirements for Brisket

Doug: “I’m getting barbecue for dinner, B. Does that sound good?”
Billie: “Yes!”
Doug: “Brisket?”
Billie: “Yes!”
Doug: “Anything else?”
Billie: “Just make sure they know how to make brisket. It has to melt in my mouth. It has to be so tender that I need to forget that I exist. And it needs to be smoother than a grown adult’s bottom. Because we all know babies don’t know how to use lotion.”

Requirements for Brisket


I swear Douglas just had a full on conversation with our cat just now.

Cat: Meow!
Doug: Stop approaching me with your claws out.
Cat: Meow?
Doug: I know it’s crazy, but most animals don’t need their claws out to say hi.
Cat: Meow!
Doug: Why would I lie to you? Just be chill, man. I don’t mind petting you if you need it. I just don’t like being scratched.
Cat: (walks away from Doug. Stops. Turns his head to look at Doug then) Meow (resumes walking away).
Doug: Whatever then!


The 1st Step…

We had to pull our oven out from in between our countertops because it wasn’t working right. Turns out, it’s an issue for the landlord. But, while it was pulled out I noticed all this gross ass grease dripping down the sides. So each time I walked passed it I would spray the sides with degreaser and vow to clean it on my next pass. This happened 6 or 7 times. Each time, me spraying more degreaser and vowing to wipe it down next time. Well, now it’s 10:30 at night and I’m heading to bed. I walk past the oven one final time to get myself some water from the sink and I realize enough is enough. I’m going to have to clean it. So I start scrubbing. Doug hears me and the following conversation ensues:

Doug: “Hez?”

Me: “Yes?”

Doug: “Are you cleaning the oven at 10:30 at night?”

Me: “Nooooooooo??”

Doug: (knowing that that kind of “no” means yes) “That’s quite meth-y behavior.”

Billie: (who absolutely should be asleep but somehow hears us from the bedroom) “Mommy’s on meth!”

Me: “Douglas. Do you hear what our child just said?”

Doug: “Don’t blame me. I didn’t give you the meth.”

Me: “I’m not on meth!”

Billie: “C’mon, lady! The first step is admitting you have a problem!”

Me: “Go to bed, Billie.”

Billie: “Fine. Goodnight, Crystal Mommy.”

🤦 This is what I get for cleaning.

The 1st Step…

Teacher’s Pet

Billie: “Today at class, my teacher was making us write all these sentences but everyone’s hands were hurting so I asked him if we had to write the full sentences or just write the spelling words and do you know what he did?”

Me: “What did he do?”

Billie: “In this super sarcastic voice he said, ‘Okaaaay everyone, apparently Billie doesn’t understand simple instructions so we’re going to go over it onnnneee moooree tiiiimmmeeee. You’re going to write the FuLl SeNTeNcE allll the waaaay through. Do you get it now, Billie????'”

Me: “Did you say ‘No, I don’t. Perhaps if you sarcastically humiliate me more I might. Seems like an effective teaching strategy?'”

Billie: “Wait. Can I say that to him?”

Doug: “No.”

Me: “Yes.”

Doug: “Billie you should not say that.”

Me: “Billie you should say that. You teach people how to treat you, right? Let’s start ya on that practice now.”

Billie: 😳

Doug: “Hezz. You’ll get B in trouble.”

Billie: “Yea, mom. You’ll get me in trouble.”

Me: “I mean, I would LOVE to be called into the principal’s office over that. It would make my damn day. I’ll have your back, B. Just don’t be disrespectful and don’t cuss.”

Billie: “It’s settled. I’m doing it.”

Me: “Cool.”

Billie: “I might cuss a little.”

Doug: 🤦🤦🤦

Teacher’s Pet