So Grateful

I feel like there is some sort of magical “parental rhetoric” part of your brain that gets unlocked after living with a child for years. Like, I say the the phrase, “Because I said so” now. And the other day I had a full on call and response conversation WITH MYSELF. 

Me: “Here’s your lunch, B.”

Billie: “…”

Me: (Now mimicking Billie) “Why, thank you ever so much, mother! I am truly indebted to you for your constant consideration of my needs!”

Billie: “…”

Me: “Hey, Bills. No problem! It’s a pleasure to do things for such an observant and grateful human!”

Billie: “…”

Me: (as Billie) “Oh, Au Contraire ma mere! I am not grateful enough! I love you endlessly and see your daily sacrifices for me and am endlessly thankful to you!”

Billie: “…”

Me: “Anytime, my heart. It a pleasure to be your mother.

(Now as Billie:) And it’s a pleasure to be your daughter! I love you! (Now as me again) I love you, too!”

Billie: “You done?”

Me: “Yes. I am.”

Billie: “Because you forgot my water.”

So Grateful

Take The Compliment

Billie: “All I really know about mommy is that she’s crazy.”

Doug: “That’s not everything. Your mother is artistic and kind. She’s one of the most giving and genuine people–”

Me: “Ew. Gross. Stop this. Stop this right now.”

Doug: “She also LOVES when you say nice things about her.”

Me: “You are not in charge of my eulogy. This is a snore fest.”

Billie: “So. My mom’s crazy AND she hates feelings. Got it.”

Take The Compliment

True Love


Me: “Well I would hope so.”

Billie: “Really?”

Doug: “Yea, I’ve had many girlfriends. But only one true love (he reaches forward and grabs my hand). This woman right here. Your mom.”

Billie: “Awwww!”

Me: “Aw, honey. Thank you. And I, too, have one true love.”

Billie: “Daddy?”

Me: “Nope. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.”

Billie: “YES, WOMAN! YES! That’s my one true love, too! All hail mint chip!!”

Doug: (yanking his hand back) “I hate you both.”

True Love

It was a long shirt.

Me: “Man. I just am not about that pants life. No pants for me. Not today.”

Doug: “You are aware that all of our blinds are open, right?”

Me: “Meh. My vagina is covered.”

Billie: (From the other room) “Whoa. IN WHAT???!”

Me: (to Doug) “What is she expecting my vagina to be covered in? Like, what are the options there?”

Doug: “(sigh) …None of this would have mattered if you had just put on pants.”

It was a long shirt.

JoJo’s Across The Ages

Billie: “Have you heard of the singer JoJo?”

Doug: “Of course!”

Billie: “Yea, she’s really cool. All the kids at my school love her. She has this song called ‘Boomerang.'”

Doug: “Oh. We’re talking about a different JoJo.”

Billie: “Yea, my JoJo has a song everyone loves.”

Doug: “My JoJo had a song that everyone loved called ‘Get Out.'”

Billie: “Well, the kids love my JoJo.”

Doug: “I mean, the JoJo I’m talking about was really popular too.”

Billie: “Ok. But this JoJo is young.”

Doug: “Well, the JoJo I was talking about was young, too.”

Billie: “Dad. I’m talking, like, born in this century. Not 1892.”

Now Doug’s playing JoJo’s ‘Get Out’ on repeat while she screams ‘Not the same, old man! NOT THE SAME.’

JoJo’s Across The Ages

True Love

While watching “Raiders of the Lost Arc:”

Billie: “Why are the girls looking at him like that?”

Doug: “They think he’s dreamy.”

Billie: “What does that mean? That they like him?”

Me: “Yea, as in they have dreams about him because he’s so cute. She wrote “love you” on her eyelids so, every time she blinked, she was sending him a message of her love.”

Billie: “Whoa. That’s intense. He’s not THAT dreamy.”

Me: “Are you kidding me? That man is hella dreamy. I’d write “love you” on every body part I had if I thought it would do me any good.”

Billie: “Father. Do you hear this? Your wife thinks another man is dreamy.”

Doug: “Billie, that’s Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones. I do not fault your mother one bit.”

True Love


Billie: “I drew this with my right hand. I’m happy I’m right handed. Left handers are cookoo birds.”

Me: “Billie, I’m left handed.”

Billie: “My point stands, ya cookoo bird.”