Serial Lover

Amy (9): “HI BILLIE!!”

Billie (9): “Hi Amy! Mom, I gave Amy your number so we can have a play date this weekend.”

Me: “Oh, sounds awesome. We’d love to have you, Amy.”

Amy: “Thanks! I’m SO excited!”

Billie: “Yea. Hopefully she’s not a serial killer.”

Amy: “Oh, NO! I’m a cereal LOVER. Lucky Charms are delicious. Who would ever try to hurt cereal???”

Billie: “That’s, um. Not what I– you know what? Nevermind. Lucky Charms are delicious, Amy.
(Then, to me:) This weekend is going to be fun. 😉”

Serial Lover

Web-lite

Billie: “Computer- take me to the hardest math problem in the world.”
Me: “Uh, whatcha doing?”
Billie: “I’m going on the light web.”
Me: “What’s that?”
Billie: “It’s like the dark web. But for nerds.”

Web-lite

🤦🤷

Billie was asking me a bunch of questions and I wasn’t paying attention. I just kept saying, “I dunno, go ask your father.”

I know I definitely missed something because Billie just came back to me and reported:

“For the crazy sleepover he said ‘yes.’ For selling my DNA he said ‘No.'”

What the fuck did I just miss?

🤦🤷

Morning

Me: “Dude. For the last time: Wake up! We have to go!”
Billie: “I CAN’T. Pichachu is dealing with a hangover.”
Me: “That’s great but you aren’t. So let’s–”
Billie: “YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE, LADY.”

I’ve created this. I’ve created this and it’s consuming me.

Morning

We’ve Got Character

Billie is dressed for school in baggy ass sweat pants, and a big zip up hoodie. Looks like an entire fabric store ate a human.
Me: “That’s, um. That’s a look.”
Billie: “It’s ‘Character Day’ at school. I’m going as my favorite character.”
Me: “Who’s that?”
Billie: ‘You.”

Walked right into that one. 🤦

We’ve Got Character

Billie: “Apparently today was ‘hat day’ at school for Autism Acceptance week. But I didn’t wear a hat because they didn’t call it ‘hat day.’ They didn’t even call it ‘crazy hat day.’ You know what they called it?”

Doug: “What?”

Billie: “They called it ‘Hat’s Off for Autism’ So of course I didn’t wear a hat because it said ‘Hat’s Off!’ It was right there in the title! No. Hats. If they wanted us to wear hats they shoulda called it ‘Hat’s On!”

Doug: “Yea, they should’ve definitely been more literal with the messaging especially for Autism week.”

Billie: “EXACTLY. None of the autistic kids wore hats! How are you going to have a week for Autism and not communicate how autistic children need? IT’S RIDICULOUS.”

Doug: “Sure is, Billie. You tell ’em.”

Billie: “And dad?”

Doug: “Yes, love?”

Billie: “I had a really good hat in mind, too.”

Doug: “I’ll bet you did, Bills. I’ll bet you did.”

You Can Have This TP When You Ply It From My Cold, Dead, Fingers

Billie: “Hey, mom, I’ve been bringing our nice, soft toilet paper to school and replacing it with the thin scratchy stuff they give us.”

Doug: “Please don’t take our toilet paper, dude.”

Billie: “I’m doing the public a service–”

Doug: “It’s expensive-”

Billie: “PEOPLE’S BUTTS DESERVE BETTER, DOUG.”

You Can Have This TP When You Ply It From My Cold, Dead, Fingers