I swear Douglas just had a full on conversation with our cat just now.

Cat: Meow!
Doug: Stop approaching me with your claws out.
Cat: Meow?
Doug: I know it’s crazy, but most animals don’t need their claws out to say hi.
Cat: Meow!
Doug: Why would I lie to you? Just be chill, man. I don’t mind petting you if you need it. I just don’t like being scratched.
Cat: (walks away from Doug. Stops. Turns his head to look at Doug then) Meow (resumes walking away).
Doug: Whatever then!


The 1st Step…

We had to pull our oven out from in between our countertops because it wasn’t working right. Turns out, it’s an issue for the landlord. But, while it was pulled out I noticed all this gross ass grease dripping down the sides. So each time I walked passed it I would spray the sides with degreaser and vow to clean it on my next pass. This happened 6 or 7 times. Each time, me spraying more degreaser and vowing to wipe it down next time. Well, now it’s 10:30 at night and I’m heading to bed. I walk past the oven one final time to get myself some water from the sink and I realize enough is enough. I’m going to have to clean it. So I start scrubbing. Doug hears me and the following conversation ensues:

Doug: “Hez?”

Me: “Yes?”

Doug: “Are you cleaning the oven at 10:30 at night?”

Me: “Nooooooooo??”

Doug: (knowing that that kind of “no” means yes) “That’s quite meth-y behavior.”

Billie: (who absolutely should be asleep but somehow hears us from the bedroom) “Mommy’s on meth!”

Me: “Douglas. Do you hear what our child just said?”

Doug: “Don’t blame me. I didn’t give you the meth.”

Me: “I’m not on meth!”

Billie: “C’mon, lady! The first step is admitting you have a problem!”

Me: “Go to bed, Billie.”

Billie: “Fine. Goodnight, Crystal Mommy.”

🀦 This is what I get for cleaning.

The 1st Step…

Teacher’s Pet

Billie: “Today at class, my teacher was making us write all these sentences but everyone’s hands were hurting so I asked him if we had to write the full sentences or just write the spelling words and do you know what he did?”

Me: “What did he do?”

Billie: “In this super sarcastic voice he said, ‘Okaaaay everyone, apparently Billie doesn’t understand simple instructions so we’re going to go over it onnnneee moooree tiiiimmmeeee. You’re going to write the FuLl SeNTeNcE allll the waaaay through. Do you get it now, Billie????'”

Me: “Did you say ‘No, I don’t. Perhaps if you sarcastically humiliate me more I might. Seems like an effective teaching strategy?'”

Billie: “Wait. Can I say that to him?”

Doug: “No.”

Me: “Yes.”

Doug: “Billie you should not say that.”

Me: “Billie you should say that. You teach people how to treat you, right? Let’s start ya on that practice now.”

Billie: 😳

Doug: “Hezz. You’ll get B in trouble.”

Billie: “Yea, mom. You’ll get me in trouble.”

Me: “I mean, I would LOVE to be called into the principal’s office over that. It would make my damn day. I’ll have your back, B. Just don’t be disrespectful and don’t cuss.”

Billie: “It’s settled. I’m doing it.”

Me: “Cool.”

Billie: “I might cuss a little.”

Doug: 🀦🀦🀦

Teacher’s Pet

A golden girls reference plus massive sass

Me: “Do I have any sauce on my face?”

Billie: “Yea. You have sauce on your double chin.”

Me: 😐

Billie: “You still have sauce on your double chin.”

Me: “Could you stop calling it my double chin, though?”

Billie: “Your triple chin?”

Me: “You know, when I get older you’re getting me the best retirement home money can buy. It’s your penance for treating me this way. No expense spared, ya hear?”

Billie: “πŸ™„Sure thing, Sophia. Shady Pines it is.”

A golden girls reference plus massive sass

Dress to impress

Billie: “Please try to dress fancy for my assembly today. Poor grades means you would come in a poncho. Good grades means you should come dressed well. Great grades means you should be looking like fire, mother. I didn’t work this hard for you to be walking up in there in yoga pants.”

Dress to impress