Y’all. I have a very great and very fucked up parenting hack for you.
Like, super awesome but also super morbid. Plus some curse words. So if, after that self aware disclaimer, you’re still in- then please read below.
So. Your kid is going to be annoying. Like, it’s a fact of life. When you spend every waking minute of every day with a human, no matter how dope they are, they are going to start to suck. So my advice to you is thus: you are a ghost.
No, really. Follow me here.
You died in a hella tragic bass fishing accident. Or something. And your kid is fucking wrecked, right? So what do they do? They manifest your spirit because they’re hella emotionally healthy like that. So imagine your super annoying child is talking to **your ghost** about their crazy dumb fear of shampoo. Yes. It’s dumb. And, for sure, it’s annoying. But your ghost is patient. Your ghost is all knowing. Your *ghost* is going to say some prophetic Yoda type shit that both soothes your child and makes them think.
Your ghost isn’t gunna make some snarky remark about how shampoo will totally kill them because that’s what cleanliness and responsible hygiene does to you. It stops your heart and explodes your brain. Your ghost ain’t gunna do the cabbage patch to the beat of your kid’s sobs as they have an existential crisis about internal combustion. Your ghost is going to be patient.
Your ghost is going to take a deep breath and come up with a brilliant antecdote about how working through fear is like calming yourself after a snake bite. And how, while your kid is flawed, they are also brilliant and kind and capable of finding the answers.
Your ghost is going to tell your kid that they’re loved beyond measure. That they’re strong beyond reason. And that they have the kindness and tenacity to burst through the nefarious and subversive subculture of shampoo to conquer their fears and exfoliate their hair cuticles.
So, yeah. You are flawed and impatient and fucking over this shampoo shit. But your ghost is eternal and kind and savoring every interaction, however ridiculous and mundane, that it possibly can.
At the end of the day, you are human. But one day you won’t be. And the only thing that’s left of you will be other people’s memories. So be the ghost. Embrace the futility of it all. You might leave an everlasting impression AND gain some patience while you’re at it. Plus it’s the closest to Bruce Willis in “The Sixth Sense” that you’ll ever be. And, let’s be real, that was peak Bruce Willis.
Billie: “I would be just fine on Mars. I can survive 7 Days in the desert with just a toothpick and a maxi pad. Mars would be a piece of cake.”
Mother’s note: Billie has never been unsupervised in the desert for any amount of time ever. I’m also not sure she knows what a maxi pad is…
Billie: “But I’m supposed to be honest. Being honest is nice. So I am honest but sometimes people still get hurt.”
Me: “Yes. Because sometimes the truth hurts. So you will begin to learn how to say honest things in nice ways.”
Billie: “Oh, I know. I’ve been working on it.”
Me: “Oh yea?”
Billie: “Yup! Today a girl in my class wore a really ugly dress so you know what I said?”
Me: “Uh oh. What did you say?”
Billie: “I said, ‘That’s a really nice dress! Does it come in different styles?'”
But, like, at least she’s learning?
Me: “Whoa. It’s not even 6am and you’ve knocked out almost all of your morning chores? I’m so impressed. Thank you for working so hard, dude.”
Billie: “I’m working hard so I can manipulate you into getting me a pig for Christmas.”
Me: “Uh… Is it manipulation if you tell me you’re manipulating me?”
Billie: “Only if it works.”
Me: “You’re not getting a pig for Christmas.”
Billie: “We’ll see about that, mother. We will see. about. that.”
…I’m raising a Bond villan.
Billie: “Welcome to the dessert table! Unfortunately we are fresh out of sweets. But I do have some human souls. We got old man and new born! Two for one deal on the new born souls!”
Wednesday Addams is about to get us kicked out of this here bake sale.
Billie: “What was I born for?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Billie: “WHAT. You’re my MOTHER. How could you not know what I was born for?!”
Me: “Well, I don’t know what you were born for because that’s something you get to decide. Were you born for saving the world? Or for bringing happiness to those who need it most? I can help you get there but, in the end, you have to choose.”
Billie: “Oh. I get it. Then I already know what I was born for.”
Me: “Oh, yea? What’s that?”
Billie: “I was born for creating art, being super intelligent, eating, and disrupting conversations. In that order, I think.”
Me: “Those are awesome things to be born for.”
Billie: “Oh, I know. Now let’s get weird and cuddle like cats.”