Billie: “We had a math test today.”

Me: “Oh? How do you think you did?”

Billie: “Well, there were 34 questions but the teacher said to only do half of the test. So I answered 20 questions.”

Me: “I’m not sure you did well on that test.”



Serial Lover

Amy (9): “HI BILLIE!!”

Billie (9): “Hi Amy! Mom, I gave Amy your number so we can have a play date this weekend.”

Me: “Oh, sounds awesome. We’d love to have you, Amy.”

Amy: “Thanks! I’m SO excited!”

Billie: “Yea. Hopefully she’s not a serial killer.”

Amy: “Oh, NO! I’m a cereal LOVER. Lucky Charms are delicious. Who would ever try to hurt cereal???”

Billie: “That’s, um. Not what I– you know what? Nevermind. Lucky Charms are delicious, Amy.
(Then, to me:) This weekend is going to be fun. 😉”

Serial Lover


Billie: “Computer- take me to the hardest math problem in the world.”
Me: “Uh, whatcha doing?”
Billie: “I’m going on the light web.”
Me: “What’s that?”
Billie: “It’s like the dark web. But for nerds.”



Billie was asking me a bunch of questions and I wasn’t paying attention. I just kept saying, “I dunno, go ask your father.”

I know I definitely missed something because Billie just came back to me and reported:

“For the crazy sleepover he said ‘yes.’ For selling my DNA he said ‘No.'”

What the fuck did I just miss?



Me: “Dude. For the last time: Wake up! We have to go!”
Billie: “I CAN’T. Pichachu is dealing with a hangover.”
Me: “That’s great but you aren’t. So let’s–”

I’ve created this. I’ve created this and it’s consuming me.


We’ve Got Character

Billie is dressed for school in baggy ass sweat pants, and a big zip up hoodie. Looks like an entire fabric store ate a human.
Me: “That’s, um. That’s a look.”
Billie: “It’s ‘Character Day’ at school. I’m going as my favorite character.”
Me: “Who’s that?”
Billie: ‘You.”

Walked right into that one. 🤦

We’ve Got Character

Billie: “Apparently today was ‘hat day’ at school for Autism Acceptance week. But I didn’t wear a hat because they didn’t call it ‘hat day.’ They didn’t even call it ‘crazy hat day.’ You know what they called it?”

Doug: “What?”

Billie: “They called it ‘Hat’s Off for Autism’ So of course I didn’t wear a hat because it said ‘Hat’s Off!’ It was right there in the title! No. Hats. If they wanted us to wear hats they shoulda called it ‘Hat’s On!”

Doug: “Yea, they should’ve definitely been more literal with the messaging especially for Autism week.”

Billie: “EXACTLY. None of the autistic kids wore hats! How are you going to have a week for Autism and not communicate how autistic children need? IT’S RIDICULOUS.”

Doug: “Sure is, Billie. You tell ’em.”

Billie: “And dad?”

Doug: “Yes, love?”

Billie: “I had a really good hat in mind, too.”

Doug: “I’ll bet you did, Bills. I’ll bet you did.”