I got Billie a jumbo sized pink zebra with a rainbow mane. Why? I dunno, man. Because parenting. Anyways, the why is not important. She was thrilled with the gift. You should’ve seen her, guys. She was dancing around the house, singing songs to “Sparkle.” Sparkle was her new bestie. She cuddled with Sparkle all last night. Everything was Sparkle. And life was good.
When we woke up this morning Billie realized she had two regular sized pony/ zebra/ stuffed animal things. They became Sparkle’s children. Billie and Sparkle and Sparkle’s spawn spent the better part of this morning playing peacefully together.
But then it happened.
Billie decided that amazing jumbo sized Sparkle needed a partner.
A daddy Sparkle, if you will. Someone to raise their Sparkle babies together. A more jumbo jumbo-stuffed creature for Sparkle to cuddle with after a long, hard, imaginary day of rearing fake pony babies together.
I was none too pleased with this revelation.
My amazingly kind, albeit naive, gesture of getting my kid a ridiculously over-stuffed jumbo sized monstrosity had just been When- You- Give- A- Mouse- A- Cookie-ed.
The following conversation ensued:
Billie: “But Sparkle needs a daddy Zebra to help her. A bigger daddy Zebra.”
Me: “No. She doesn’t. Sparkle is a single mom. She’s strong and independent. She doesn’t need a ‘daddy.’ She’s got this.”
Billie: “But who’s gunna help her raise her babies?”
Me: “The monkey and the polar bears. They’re her neighbors and they’re totally down to help. Plus Sparkle has pretty solid childcare because she’s a successful business woman.”
Billie: “Moooommmmmmyyyyy! Nooo! But what about if they get sick?”
Me: “I dunno, man! Stuffed animals have universal healthcare. They’ll be fine.”
Billie: “Nooo. Sparkle needs a daddy Sparkle.”
Me: “Noooo. She doesn’t. She’s doing fine on her own.”
Doug (waking up from a dead sleep to intervene): “Or maybe she’s a stuffed animal and it doesn’t matter.”
Billie: “I’m gunna go ask the polar bears if they can help Sparkle.”
Me: “I’ll come help.”
I’m seriously doubting his commitment to Sparkle motion.