When You Give A Kid A Giant Rainbow Zebra

I got Billie a jumbo sized pink zebra with a rainbow mane. Why? I dunno, man. Because parenting. Anyways, the why is not important. She was thrilled with the gift. You should’ve seen her, guys. She was dancing around the house, singing songs to “Sparkle.” Sparkle was her new bestie. She cuddled with Sparkle all last night. Everything was Sparkle. And life was good.

When we woke up this morning Billie realized she had two regular sized pony/ zebra/ stuffed animal things. They became Sparkle’s children. Billie and Sparkle and Sparkle’s spawn spent the better part of this morning playing peacefully together.
But then it happened.
Billie decided that amazing jumbo sized Sparkle needed a partner.
A daddy Sparkle, if you will. Someone to raise their Sparkle babies together. A more jumbo jumbo-stuffed creature for Sparkle to cuddle with after a long, hard, imaginary day of rearing fake pony babies together.

I was none too pleased with this revelation.
My amazingly kind, albeit naive, gesture of getting my kid a ridiculously over-stuffed jumbo sized monstrosity had just been When- You- Give- A- Mouse- A- Cookie-ed.

The following conversation ensued:

Billie: “But Sparkle needs a daddy Zebra to help her. A bigger daddy Zebra.”

Me: “No. She doesn’t. Sparkle is a single mom. She’s strong and independent. She doesn’t need a ‘daddy.’ She’s got this.”

Billie: “But who’s gunna help her raise her babies?”

Me: “The monkey and the polar bears. They’re her neighbors and they’re totally down to help. Plus Sparkle has pretty solid childcare because she’s a successful business woman.”

Billie: “Moooommmmmmyyyyy! Nooo! But what about if they get sick?”

Me: “I dunno, man! Stuffed animals have universal healthcare. They’ll be fine.”

Billie: “Nooo. Sparkle needs a daddy Sparkle.”

Me: “Noooo. She doesn’t. She’s doing fine on her own.”

Doug (waking up from a dead sleep to intervene): “Or maybe she’s a stuffed animal and it doesn’t matter.”

Billie: ::blinks::

Me: ::blinks::

Billie: “I’m gunna go ask the polar bears if they can help Sparkle.”

Me: “I’ll come help.”

Aye.
Doug.
I’m seriously doubting his commitment to Sparkle motion.

When You Give A Kid A Giant Rainbow Zebra

Cooking for Stuffed Animals

Billie: “We need to make a birthday cake.”
Me: “Who’s birthday is it?”
Billie: “Um. The day’s?”
Me: “It’s the day’s birthday?”
Billie: “Yea. This day has never lived before. Let’s bake it a cake.”
Me: “That is the coolest thing ever. Yes, I will bake a cake for the day.”
Billie: “Actually, no. I don’t think I want to do that. Let’s make a cake for my puppy dog.”
Me: “WHAT? You don’t wanna bake a cake for the day? I thought that was awesome.”
Doug (ever the buzzkill): “Why would you want her to bake a cake for the day?”
Me: “Because it’s never lived before!”
Doug: “Technically, it has. In a parallel universe.”
Billie: “YEA! That’s what I thought. That’s why I changed it to my puppy dog.”
Me: “Are you two kidding me?! Billie, you seriously just changed your mind because you had complicated thoughts on string theory?”
Billie: “Mommy. You don’t know my thoughts. It’s crazy in my head. Now let’s bake a cake for my puppy dog.”

Cooking for Stuffed Animals