Social Niceties

Teacher: “Hi Billie! Good morning! How are you?”

Billie: “Oxygen helps you breathe. But trees don’t breathe oxygen. They give that to us. Trees breathe carbon dioxide. We need the oxygen, though. Happy oxygen day!!!”

Teacher: “Oh, uh, yes! Happy oxygen day to you, too!”

Billie: “Oh, and ‘Hi’ and all that other stuff.”

Social Niceties

The Enforcer

Billie: “Mommy?”

Me: “Yes?”

Billie: “Did you eat my candy last night?”

Me: “…Yes? (sigh) Yes. I did. I’m sorry.”

Billie: “NO! NO, MOMMMY! No. You did not listen to your brain. YOU DID NOT LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN! Your brain was telling you, ‘That’s Billie’s candy. She is going to want that’ and you just said, ‘Nooooo brain. I can’t hear you, brain. I’ma eat up the candy. Eat it right up into my belly!'”

Me: “Billie, I’m very sorry. I will replace the candy–”

Billie: “Your eyes and your brain are best friends, did you know that? Your eyes and your brain are best friends. Your eyes see and your brain remembers. When your eyes and brain don’t talk then bad things happen. Like you EATING MY CANDY.”

Me: “Bills, I get it. I said I was sorry.”

Billie: “Ok. Ok. It’s OK. I just… I wanted that candy for breakfast.”

Me: “You can’t have candy for breakfast.”

Billie: “Well, I can’t NOW.”

…She is going to be a force to be reckoned with during Halloween…

The Enforcer

Cooking for Stuffed Animals

Billie: “We need to make a birthday cake.”
Me: “Who’s birthday is it?”
Billie: “Um. The day’s?”
Me: “It’s the day’s birthday?”
Billie: “Yea. This day has never lived before. Let’s bake it a cake.”
Me: “That is the coolest thing ever. Yes, I will bake a cake for the day.”
Billie: “Actually, no. I don’t think I want to do that. Let’s make a cake for my puppy dog.”
Me: “WHAT? You don’t wanna bake a cake for the day? I thought that was awesome.”
Doug (ever the buzzkill): “Why would you want her to bake a cake for the day?”
Me: “Because it’s never lived before!”
Doug: “Technically, it has. In a parallel universe.”
Billie: “YEA! That’s what I thought. That’s why I changed it to my puppy dog.”
Me: “Are you two kidding me?! Billie, you seriously just changed your mind because you had complicated thoughts on string theory?”
Billie: “Mommy. You don’t know my thoughts. It’s crazy in my head. Now let’s bake a cake for my puppy dog.”

Cooking for Stuffed Animals

Today’s Billie Quotes

“I can’t take a shower. All I can do is stay alive. And poop.”


“The Sandman got me in my eyes. Right in my eyes. All they want to do is close. I don’t think he knew that I was trying to party.”

Today’s Billie Quotes