Social Niceties

Teacher: “Hi Billie! Good morning! How are you?”

Billie: “Oxygen helps you breathe. But trees don’t breathe oxygen. They give that to us. Trees breathe carbon dioxide. We need the oxygen, though. Happy oxygen day!!!”

Teacher: “Oh, uh, yes! Happy oxygen day to you, too!”

Billie: “Oh, and ‘Hi’ and all that other stuff.”

Social Niceties

The Enforcer

Billie: “Mommy?”

Me: “Yes?”

Billie: “Did you eat my candy last night?”

Me: “…Yes? (sigh) Yes. I did. I’m sorry.”

Billie: “NO! NO, MOMMMY! No. You did not listen to your brain. YOU DID NOT LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN! Your brain was telling you, ‘That’s Billie’s candy. She is going to want that’ and you just said, ‘Nooooo brain. I can’t hear you, brain. I’ma eat up the candy. Eat it right up into my belly!'”

Me: “Billie, I’m very sorry. I will replace the candy–”

Billie: “Your eyes and your brain are best friends, did you know that? Your eyes and your brain are best friends. Your eyes see and your brain remembers. When your eyes and brain don’t talk then bad things happen. Like you EATING MY CANDY.”

Me: “Bills, I get it. I said I was sorry.”

Billie: “Ok. Ok. It’s OK. I just… I wanted that candy for breakfast.”

Me: “You can’t have candy for breakfast.”

Billie: “Well, I can’t NOW.”

…She is going to be a force to be reckoned with during Halloween…

The Enforcer

Babies and Science Projects

Billie: “Mom. That baby is screaming. He screamed right in my ear.”
Me: “That’s what babies do, dude. You’re the one who wants a baby brother. If you had one- that’s what would happen. He would scream in your ear.”
Billie: “No. That’s not what I want. I want a baby that would scream in *your* ear. And I would just love him and put him in my machine that makes him a puppy dog.”
Me: “Why don’t you just ask for another puppy dog?”
Billie: “Because a puppy- dog- brother- baby is cooler. And I wanna see your belly grow big.”

I can’t tell if she’s a total creeper or a mad scientist.

Babies and Science Projects