Billie: “There’s a kid in my class who likes rice crispy treats so every day I give him my rice crispy treat.”
Me: “That’s really kind of you. Does he share anything with you in return or do you just give him what you have?”
Billie: “I just give it to him. But yesterday I wanted Benjamin back and he didn’t give me Benjamin.”
Me: “Wait- Is Benjamin the name of the kid or-?”
Billie: “No! It’s the name of my rice crispy treat.”
Me: “You named your snack?”
Billie: “Of course I did. He’s my food family. He’s my brother.”
Me: “You gave your brother away?”
Billie: “Well, yea. I give you away to your work every day and you come back.”
Me: “Right. But I’m not a delicious rice krispy treat.”
Billie: “Yea. ‘Cause then you would get eaten. (Pause) I really wish my brother wasn’t so delicious. Now he’s some kid’s poop.”
…This conversation took a turn somewhere and I did nothing to help it. 🙄
Billie: “Mom, May I have cereal? But NO MILK! I’m allergic to milk.”
Me: “Oh, yea? (No, she’s not) What would you like instead?”
Billie: “Chocolate milk.”
Me: “You know that’s still milk, right? Just with chocolate?”
Billie: “Oh, yea. But the chocolate makes me not allergic.”
….I really wish that was how it worked.
Billie: “Did you eat my candy last night?”
Me: “…Yes? (sigh) Yes. I did. I’m sorry.”
Billie: “NO! NO, MOMMMY! No. You did not listen to your brain. YOU DID NOT LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN! Your brain was telling you, ‘That’s Billie’s candy. She is going to want that’ and you just said, ‘Nooooo brain. I can’t hear you, brain. I’ma eat up the candy. Eat it right up into my belly!'”
Me: “Billie, I’m very sorry. I will replace the candy–”
Billie: “Your eyes and your brain are best friends, did you know that? Your eyes and your brain are best friends. Your eyes see and your brain remembers. When your eyes and brain don’t talk then bad things happen. Like you EATING MY CANDY.”
Me: “Bills, I get it. I said I was sorry.”
Billie: “Ok. Ok. It’s OK. I just… I wanted that candy for breakfast.”
Me: “You can’t have candy for breakfast.”
Billie: “Well, I can’t NOW.”
…She is going to be a force to be reckoned with during Halloween…
Me: “Billie, I need my space.”
Billie: “NO SPACE. I EAT YOUR FACE.”
And, thus, I spend the rest of the day with her mouth attached to my cheek.
I can’t help but feel this is karma in motion.
Billie: “Do you smell that smell? It smells like a bread I used to have when I was a baby. I used to sneak it when you weren’t looking. I was a secret agent baby and I had a secret agent baby home and a secret agent baby computer. And I made an invention to make me grow bigger so that I would like that food that I’m smelling now. That was when I was little and now I am big. But I am still a secret agent.”
Teacher: “How are you feeling today, Billie?”
Billie: “I feel like macaroni.”
Teacher: “Oh. Ok? Uh… How does a macaroni feel?”
Billie: “Soggy, tired, and full of cheese.”
My kid is a poet.
FLASHBACK: August, 2013
“Look, daddy, everybody’s mad at you. And no one is gunna talk to you. And you’re gunna cry like a little baby!!!
Now you’re gunna go to time out, ok? And you’re gunna be really sad, ok? And I’m gunna laugh, OK?!?!”
This is what happens when we try to get billie to eat her dinner. Instead of saying “no thank you” this is what we get.
And every time she said “ok?” She made him respond in the affirmative before she continued.
I’m raising a sadist.
FLASHBACK: November 4, 2012
Billie’s taken to memorizing my shopping list and screaming it in the middle of the grocery store. I pity the poor old lady who stopped us to compliment Billie on how cute & sweet she was. Billie’s response?
“POPCORN AND MEAT!!!!”
The lady just glared at me & walked away. There’s really no recovering from that.