I’ve been super sick today. I barely had enough in me to get Billie from school. When I got there, I was met by her teacher, her face stern.
“Today was career day and all the students were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. Billie said she wanted to be a kitty cat. I told her that she couldn’t be a cat and she needed to pick a different profession. Do you know what she told me?”
“No,” I responded. I barely had enough energy to stand let alone continue this conversation.
“She told me-” the teacher stops herself short, deciding instead to make Billie take accountability for her reactions, “Billie? Billie tell your mother what you said.”
Billie looked at me very carefully, “I told her…” she continued staring at me like she was steeling herself for the worst, “I told her fine. Then I would just become a teacher so I can tell everyone what to do with their lives.”
And I laughed.
I laughed so hard.
Needless to say it was not the reaction the teacher was looking for.
FLASHBACK: November 13, 2013
Me: “okay, you’re almost ready for school. You just need to finish your breakfast, brush your teeth, and put on your shoes.”
Billie: “OK. I need to take off my clothes and play with my baby lion.”
Me: “yea, no. That’s not even close to what I said. What did I just tell you to do?”
Billie: “you said, ‘OOOOOHHweeee Billie Baby you needta dance yo lil booty off bay-beh!'”
Me: “nope. Not what I said.”
Billie: “But, mommy, (starts chanting) you like mah boooooty you like mah booooottttaye!!!!”
Billie: (now dancing in circles) “Shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shakin my booootaye! Shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shakin my booootaye!!!!”
…Ya’ll, if I could make it just one morning without this kid showin’ me her butt I would consider it the greatest of all personal wins.
Billie picked up a dandelion. She put it to my lips and said, “Make a wish, mommy!”
Billie: “What did you wish for?”
Me: “I can’t tell you- then it won’t come true.”
Billie: “No. I don’t like that.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Billie: “If you don’t tell people what your wishes are then they can’t help them come true. You have to tell people what your wishes are. People can only help if they know.”
Screw the superstitions. I like her logic way better.
“I can’t take a shower. All I can do is stay alive. And poop.”
“The Sandman got me in my eyes. Right in my eyes. All they want to do is close. I don’t think he knew that I was trying to party.”