At Least I Got Frequent Flyer Miles Out Of It

Billie wakes up at 3:30am screaming bloody murder about her ears hurting.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

We rush her to the E.R. Despite some waiting room weirdness we get her checked out relatively quickly. Ear infection. Antibiotics prescribed. Pain relief meds given. Doc clears her for take off. It’s 4:50am now.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

We rush home quickly to have Doug’s mom drop us off at LAX. Freaking L.A.X. It’s packed. We have to check bags. I flag someone down to help us and they inform us that 2 out of 3 of the bags are overweight by 7 and 6 pounds respectively. It’s 5:25am.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

Billie is exhausted and screaming beside me. She’s tired and in pain. I’m calming her down while shoving everything I can into my carry on bag. I wrap t-shirts around my waist. I shove underwear in my pockets- I do anything I can to get the weight down. It works. Our bags are under the weight limit. Barely. It’s 5:33am.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

We rush inside to security checkpoint and  watch a tour group of 50+ students get in line in front of us. We take the elevator while they take they escalator and get hung up by a TSA agent checking their IDs. We swoop in front of them and get through security. I throw our several shirts and sweatshirts on the security belt and walk through the metal detector with panties in my pocket. It’s 5:50am.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

We get to the gate and they are boarding. Billie is delirious. The pain meds are hitting her. She’s wearing neck pillows as crowns and demanding a photo shoot because she “looks so fancy.” She cracks jokes about my panty pockets so that everyone within a mile radius can hear. We board the plane at 5:58am.

Our flight leaves (on time) at 6:15am.

3 minutes into our flight I realize I’m sweating from rushing around like a maniac. Billie looks at me, calm and without any hint of irony, and says, “Mommy. I’m bored. This whole day is a day of boring. Can we do something fun now?”


Kid. Shut up. Mommy loves you. But shut up.


At Least I Got Frequent Flyer Miles Out Of It

“Dude. She’s Fine.”

Doug said Billie was sick.

I said she wasn’t.

“It’s just as cough,” I said. “She’ll walk it off,” I said.

But Doug persisted. “Billie is sick,” he said.

“Right. Yea, Okay. She’ll be fine. If it persists after a week we’ll call a doctor,” I said.

That was 2 weeks ago.

Tonight Billie coughed so hard she threw up on me.

Five. Times.

Hey guys, guess what?

Billie is sick.


Doug is going to be UNBEARABLE after this.

“Dude. She’s Fine.”