I just walked in on Billie on her hands and knees with a bag of ice in her mouth, tearing her face back and forth vigorously.

“Um. Whatcha doin, love?”

Her mouth goes slack and the bag of ice drops to the floor. She looks at me disapprovingly before saying, “Don’t you remember I’m a badger? Badgers don’t talk.”

She sighed as if exhausted by my lack of intellect, picked up the bag of ice with her teeth, and went back to shaking it ferociously; growling and drooling all the while.

This is my life, guys.