​Billie: “I have to try the mac & cheese even though I don’t like mac & cheese.”
Mary (age 6): “I LOVE mac & cheese!”
Billie: “Of course you do. But I don’t. And I have to eat it anyway.”
Mary: “Mac & Cheese is sooooo good.”
Billie: “It’s a terrible system but a wonderful world.”
Mary: “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Does that mean I can have your mac & cheese?”

While walking Billie to school today, Doug and I noticed she had a pad of post-its she was writing on. She informed us she was writing a story for her teacher. “How cool!” I say, “May I read it?”

So she hands it over. 

The first post-it was a picture of a dog sighing. Above it read, “I used to like my dad”

Catchy first page. I flipped the page to continue. 

The next page had a snarling dog shoving another dog into its mouth. It read, “…until he ate all my friends.”
I looked at Billie for a solid ten seconds. She returned my stare.

“I’m not done,” she informed me, “it’s a love story. My teacher’s gunna really like it!”
…Our parent teacher conference is going to be one for the books, y’all.

​Billie had to go in for a routine blood draw. She was not looking forward to it.
Billie: “Are you the vampire who’s going to suck my blood?”

Phlebotomist: “Yes. Would you like me to sharpen my fangs for you?” 

Billie: “Yes, please. I’d like to see what I’m dealing with here.”
She ended up handling it like a champ, of course, but she was a bit disappointed the lady used a needle and not her teeth. 

Billie: “OMYGOD I NEED TO PEE.”

Me: “Well, I can’t pull over right now but lemme find a place…”

Billie: “No!! Right now!! I really can’t hold it!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure what to tell you. You’re gunna have to.”

Billie: “Nnnnoooooo!!! Waterfalls! Lakes! Sprinkers!!!”

Me: “What are you doing??”

Billie: “I’m trying to make you pee!!”

Me: “What? Why?!”

Billie: “BECAUSE IF I’M GUNNA WET MY PANTS I’M NOT DOIN’ IT ALONE, LADY.”

​For the last week, this has been Billie’s morning routine:
1) Refuse to show any signs of waking until mom walks in playing Stevie Wonder’s “My Cherie Amour.” Slightly stir.
2) Request “just one more” song. Her favorite song. Inform mom that waking up is solely contigent on favorite song being played. Then close eyes and smile serenely while MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” blares in her ears.
And

3) Once the final “whoa whoa whoas” of MC Hammer’s masterpiece have petered out fully, roll over and look at mom sweetly and with all the adoration in the world. Then bite her face.
Repeat daily.

Me: “One of your eggs hatched while you were at school. I was able to evolve it, so I did. Here it is, isn’t it cool?!?”

Billie: “Wait. So it was just borned and then you made it evolve?”

Me: “*Born* and well, yea… Now we got a new creature to add to our pokedex!”

Billie: “Yea, but, he was just born. He just hatched out of his egg. And you went and changed him. That has to be hard. And scary. Like, he barely got time to spend time with himself how he was and then you made him change into something else super fast. What if he needed time with himself, mom?? Huh??”

 

Y’all. I can’t with this. Next time there’s a super popular app out there please don’t tell my kid about it. …Catchin’ feelings over pokemon… Aye.

Calliope (age 3): “DON’T TOUCH THE COMPUTER. If you touch the computer then another crack will be put in it and it will super break and then WE. CANT. USE IT!!!”

Billie: “Uhhhh, sure thing, Ms. Fussypants” (Leaves room).

Calliope (to me): “She likes that word, ‘fussypants.’ Seems to be the only one she knows.”

Billie: “Mom! The tooth fairy came and left me a dollar but she didn’t take my tooth!”
Doug (whispering): Shit. I couldn’t find which pillow she put it under!!
Me (to Billie): “Maybe the tooth fairy–”
Billie: “WHOA! SHE LEFT ME TWO DOLLARS! And… some change? Is this a nickel? Mom? Was the tooth fairy drunk?”
Me (to Doug): “Bro. You had ONE JOB.”