Billie: “Do people become pregnant without planning it?”
Me: “Yes.”
Billie: “THANK YOU, MOTHER NATURE! I AM NOW MOTHER NATURE’S SOLDIER. YAY BABIES!”
…sigh.
A Most Apt Similie?
Billie: “I can’t do this. You can’t hug me. You smell like peanut butter and jelly in a dip pot of cameras.”
Me: “Wha… What would that even smell like?”
Billie: “It smells like peanut butter mixed with cameras and they’re burning. And they mix up to make cameras you can eat that taste like fired peanut butter but there’s no electricity because your smell put the electricity out and it feels like you’re tasting your own body.”
Me: “Whoa. What?”
Billie: “I’m trying to say you have bad breath.”
…she could’ve just said that out the gate but noooo.
Great. Now I’m craving peanut butter.
This also happens to be how I feel about group projects.
Billie: “It’s like we have a volcano of ideas but all your ideas are farts.”
Conversation level: Master
Waitress: “How ya doin’ today, sweetie?”
Billie: “My mommy cut my face with her ring and my dog peed on my stuffed animals.”
Waitress: “Whoa. Rough day.”
Billie: “Indeed. It’s a rough day living in America.”
Waitress: “You said it.”
Just Checking
Billie: “That boy right there is the one who keeps knocking my blocks down.”
Me: “Really? I’m so sorry, Billie. That must be frustrating.”
Billie: “Really frustrating. I build and build and he just knocks my stuff down. I ask him to play but he just pushes my buildings over.”
Me: “Sometimes, when people destroy our buildings they actually help us see the flaws in our design. So that, next time, we can build something even stronger.”
Billie: “Like the pigs and the big bad wolf?”
Me: “Exactly like that.”
Billie: “So, then, I can build something so strong his tiny muscles can’t even touch!”
Me: “Exactly.”
Billie: “But also- he kinda did a mean thing.”
Me: “Oh, yea, dude. That was a totally mean thing to do.”
Billie: “…Mom?”
Me: “Yes, love?”
Billie: “Didn’t the big bad wolf fall into a fire place and catch fire?”
Me: “Billie. You cannot set someone on fire because they knocked your blocks down.”
Billie: “Ok. Just checking.”
In Honor Of Halloween… And Nudity
FLASHBACK: October 29, 2014
“Dude. You’re naked. Still. Why are you still naked?”
Billie: “I hear noises outside. I hear the scratching. I think it’s zombies coming up from the ground. It’s zombies coming up from the ground to eat our whole brains out!”
“And that’s why you’re naked? Why can’t you get dressed? Do you really wanna fight zombies naked?”
Billie: “I CANT FOCUS ON CLOTHES WHEN THERE ARE ZOMBIES, MOM.”
This is our morning so far, folks.
A Solid Strategy
Billie: “I won a race at my school and I was so excited. And there were kids lined up for the next race and I sceamed, ‘I’M A MAN OF MUSCLES. I’M A MAN OF MUSCLES. LOOKAT MAH MUSSSCCCLLLEES!’ And they were like, ‘What is this? What is this child? Is this even a child? She crazy!’ But I don’t care because I won that race too because they were distracted by their thoughts.”
The Other 10% is a Mixture of Watercolors & Weird Smells
FLASHBACK: April 28, 2014
It took us ten minutes to get Billie to brush her teeth tonight because she insisted she didn’t know how to use her legs.
Now, an hour and a half after her bedtime, she’s wide awake on her bed singing to her building blocks and drawing giraffe kitty cats.
Billie: “Daddy! Come in here and see my drawing!”
Doug: “I would, Billie, but I forgot how to use my legs.”
…I feel like 90% of parenting is passive aggressive retaliation.
And I’m totally OK with that.
Oh, Good. At Least You Weren’t Doing Something Weird.
Billie: “Good night, sweet bubble. You may be dead in this world, but you live in my heart. Bless America, you friend of my soul. Find your bliss.”
Me: “Did you… Did you just hold a funeral for a popped soap bubble?”
Billie: “Of course I did.”
My Kid, My Wingman.
I used to have game.
But now, when random dudes approach me, I have a five year old who says shit like,
“you’re talking to my mom right now. She’s weird. Did you know that? She makes me blow my snot into tissues like some kind of ANIMAL.”
Best. Deterrant. Ever?
Billie's Momma 