In Honor Of Halloween… And Nudity

FLASHBACK: October 29, 2014

“Dude. You’re naked. Still. Why are you still naked?”

Billie: “I hear noises outside. I hear the scratching. I think it’s zombies coming up from the ground. It’s zombies coming up from the ground to eat our whole brains out!”

“And that’s why you’re naked? Why can’t you get dressed? Do you really wanna fight zombies naked?”

Billie: “I CANT FOCUS ON CLOTHES WHEN THERE ARE ZOMBIES, MOM.”

This is our morning so far, folks.

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In Honor Of Halloween… And Nudity

A Solid Strategy

Billie: “I won a race at my school and I was so excited. And there were kids lined up for the next race and I sceamed, ‘I’M A MAN OF MUSCLES. I’M A MAN OF MUSCLES. LOOKAT MAH MUSSSCCCLLLEES!’ And they were like, ‘What is this? What is this child? Is this even a child? She crazy!’ But I don’t care because I won that race too because they were distracted by their thoughts.”

A Solid Strategy

The Other 10% is a Mixture of Watercolors & Weird Smells

FLASHBACK: April 28, 2014

It took us ten minutes to get Billie to brush her teeth tonight because she insisted she didn’t know how to use her legs.
Now, an hour and a half after her bedtime, she’s wide awake on her bed singing to her building blocks and drawing giraffe kitty cats.

Billie: “Daddy! Come in here and see my drawing!”
Doug: “I would, Billie, but I forgot how to use my legs.”

…I feel like 90% of parenting is passive aggressive retaliation.
And I’m totally OK with that.

The Other 10% is a Mixture of Watercolors & Weird Smells

Battle of the Nerves

Billie: “I get nervous. And that means sometimes I start to feel light. Like, all of my emotions are just so big. They are bigger than me and heavier than me. & I feel really light. And every emotion and every memory ever comes into my brain and I float away with them. That’s what I mean when I say I’m getting nervous.”

Battle of the Nerves

The Devil Is In The Detail.

Those of you who know me know my penchant for messes. My car might as well be a mobile testament to that fact. A vehicular art piece personifying my internal struggle with order and asepsis.

In an act of kindness and futility combined, Doug and Billie decided to surprise me and get my car detailed. When I got to my car this morning I saw that, not only was it spotless, but it had a few, uh, accouterments added to its interior.

“Uhhh… Is my steering wheel bejeweled?”
Doug: “Yea. Billie said it needed to be decorated.”
“Oh. Right. Ok. Um… That’s a very pink air freshener.”
Doug: “it’s a Berry Blast scented fleur dis lis. Also Billie’s idea.”
“Douglas.”
Doug: “Yes?”
“My floor mats are leopard print.”
Doug: “Yea… We–”
“When I mentioned it would be nice to have my car detailed I didn’t mean–”
Billie: “You wanted details, woman! I GAVE YOU DETAILS.”

Aye. Thanks, Billie.

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The Devil Is In The Detail.

A Sex Positive Lullaby For The Ages

Every night we give Billie the option of singing a lullaby or making up her own. Tonight she chose to sing this:

“Bras are awesome

Bras are cool

When bras are around

You can see a boob!”

She continued for five minutes but it mostly just went “boobies boobies boobies yay” after that.

A Sex Positive Lullaby For The Ages

What’s In A Name

Me: “What is your teachers name?”
Billie: “MRS. FRANKENSTEIN!”
Me: “You mean Madame Florence?”
Billie: “THAT’S her name?”
Me: “Yea.”
Billie: “It’s not Mrs. Frankenstein?”
Me: “Nope.”
Billie: “You sure?”
Me: “Pretty sure it’s been Madame Florence ever since you started this school two weeks ago.”
Billie: “Her name hasn’t been Mrs. Frankenstein for two weeks?!!”
Me: “If not longer.”
Billie: (thinks for a moment) “Well, she’s lucky.”
Me: “Why’s that?”
Billie: “Because Mrs. Frankenstein is a cool name. I guess I’m just nice like that.”

Oh, yea. That’s it. Nice.

What’s In A Name

The Science of Allergies

Billie: “Mom, May I have cereal? But NO MILK! I’m allergic to milk.”

Me: “Oh, yea? (No, she’s not) What would you like instead?”

Billie: “Chocolate milk.”

Me: “You know that’s still milk, right? Just with chocolate?”

Billie: “Oh, yea. But the chocolate makes me not allergic.”

….I really wish that was how it worked.

The Science of Allergies