Billie: “I get nervous. And that means sometimes I start to feel light. Like, all of my emotions are just so big. They are bigger than me and heavier than me. & I feel really light. And every emotion and every memory ever comes into my brain and I float away with them. That’s what I mean when I say I’m getting nervous.”
motherhood
The Devil Is In The Detail.
Those of you who know me know my penchant for messes. My car might as well be a mobile testament to that fact. A vehicular art piece personifying my internal struggle with order and asepsis.
In an act of kindness and futility combined, Doug and Billie decided to surprise me and get my car detailed. When I got to my car this morning I saw that, not only was it spotless, but it had a few, uh, accouterments added to its interior.
“Uhhh… Is my steering wheel bejeweled?”
Doug: “Yea. Billie said it needed to be decorated.”
“Oh. Right. Ok. Um… That’s a very pink air freshener.”
Doug: “it’s a Berry Blast scented fleur dis lis. Also Billie’s idea.”
“Douglas.”
Doug: “Yes?”
“My floor mats are leopard print.”
Doug: “Yea… We–”
“When I mentioned it would be nice to have my car detailed I didn’t mean–”
Billie: “You wanted details, woman! I GAVE YOU DETAILS.”
Aye. Thanks, Billie.
Another Week Another Billie Video
Just download a star and write a video…
A Sex Positive Lullaby For The Ages
Every night we give Billie the option of singing a lullaby or making up her own. Tonight she chose to sing this:
“Bras are awesome
Bras are cool
When bras are around
You can see a boob!”
She continued for five minutes but it mostly just went “boobies boobies boobies yay” after that.
What’s In A Name
Me: “What is your teachers name?”
Billie: “MRS. FRANKENSTEIN!”
Me: “You mean Madame Florence?”
Billie: “THAT’S her name?”
Me: “Yea.”
Billie: “It’s not Mrs. Frankenstein?”
Me: “Nope.”
Billie: “You sure?”
Me: “Pretty sure it’s been Madame Florence ever since you started this school two weeks ago.”
Billie: “Her name hasn’t been Mrs. Frankenstein for two weeks?!!”
Me: “If not longer.”
Billie: (thinks for a moment) “Well, she’s lucky.”
Me: “Why’s that?”
Billie: “Because Mrs. Frankenstein is a cool name. I guess I’m just nice like that.”
Oh, yea. That’s it. Nice.
The Science of Allergies
Billie: “Mom, May I have cereal? But NO MILK! I’m allergic to milk.”
Me: “Oh, yea? (No, she’s not) What would you like instead?”
Billie: “Chocolate milk.”
Me: “You know that’s still milk, right? Just with chocolate?”
Billie: “Oh, yea. But the chocolate makes me not allergic.”
….I really wish that was how it worked.
Cooking With Billie:
Me: “Did you just sneeze into that?”
Billie: “Yes. It’s a good thing my sneeze was an ingredient.”
At Least I Got Frequent Flyer Miles Out Of It
Billie wakes up at 3:30am screaming bloody murder about her ears hurting.
Our flight leaves at 6:15am.
We rush her to the E.R. Despite some waiting room weirdness we get her checked out relatively quickly. Ear infection. Antibiotics prescribed. Pain relief meds given. Doc clears her for take off. It’s 4:50am now.
Our flight leaves at 6:15am.
We rush home quickly to have Doug’s mom drop us off at LAX. Freaking L.A.X. It’s packed. We have to check bags. I flag someone down to help us and they inform us that 2 out of 3 of the bags are overweight by 7 and 6 pounds respectively. It’s 5:25am.
Our flight leaves at 6:15am.
Billie is exhausted and screaming beside me. She’s tired and in pain. I’m calming her down while shoving everything I can into my carry on bag. I wrap t-shirts around my waist. I shove underwear in my pockets- I do anything I can to get the weight down. It works. Our bags are under the weight limit. Barely. It’s 5:33am.
Our flight leaves at 6:15am.
We rush inside to security checkpoint and watch a tour group of 50+ students get in line in front of us. We take the elevator while they take they escalator and get hung up by a TSA agent checking their IDs. We swoop in front of them and get through security. I throw our several shirts and sweatshirts on the security belt and walk through the metal detector with panties in my pocket. It’s 5:50am.
Our flight leaves at 6:15am.
We get to the gate and they are boarding. Billie is delirious. The pain meds are hitting her. She’s wearing neck pillows as crowns and demanding a photo shoot because she “looks so fancy.” She cracks jokes about my panty pockets so that everyone within a mile radius can hear. We board the plane at 5:58am.
Our flight leaves (on time) at 6:15am.
3 minutes into our flight I realize I’m sweating from rushing around like a maniac. Billie looks at me, calm and without any hint of irony, and says, “Mommy. I’m bored. This whole day is a day of boring. Can we do something fun now?”
…
……
……..
Kid. Shut up. Mommy loves you. But shut up.
When Borrowing A Friend’s Car:
Billie: “I can’t do this. The windows don’t roll down and it smells like someone is cleaning mushrooms.”
Understandable complaints. Oddly specific… But understandable nonetheless.
Advice to Her Cousin (And The World)
Billie: “You can’t get upset, Callie. Because, at the end of the day, you are just a human. And humans are meat. And people eat meat. So don’t get too serious because someone will probably eat you anyways.”
Billie's Momma 