Since We’re Talking About: Failing (At Basic Manners)

April 13, 2014April 13, 2014 ObieWanJacobychild, children, failure, funny, humor, kids, motherhood, parenting, potty, potty mouth2 Comments

FLASHBACK: February 14, 2014

Billie’s daycare teacher’s husband is a reverend who sometimes comes to visit the kids. He and Billie have an interesting relationship.

Reverend Franklin: “Hey there, Billie! Good morning!”

Billie: “Good Morning baby! I like your poo poo face.”

Me: (freaking out just a bit) “Billie! Reverend, I am so sorry about that. Billie, that is not funny, love, we need to—“

Billie: “Mommy. Poo poo is always funny.”

Me: “Sweetie–“

Reverend Franklin: “She’s right. Poo poo is always funny. I like your poo poo face too, girl.”

What? I– what??

DAMNIT, REVEREND. YOU’RE NOT HELPING.

Since We’re Talking About: Failing (At Fine Motor Skills)

April 13, 2014 ObieWanJacobycups, dexterity, failing, failure, humor, kids, motherhood, parenting, spas, toddlers1 Comment

FLASHBACK: February 18, 2014

I got Billie a new cat cup. Basically it’s a cup with a twist on top of a cartoon cat. Billie thinks it’s positively magical and takes it with her wherever she goes. Only it’s not magical. It’s evil. I can’t get the damn thing to twist on and stay there to save my life.

Billie: “Mommy! You spilled water on me!”
Me: “Bills- I’m so sorry. It’s this cup- I can’t figure out how to keep the top on.”
Billie: “It’s ok. Maybe you need daddy to do it.”
Me: “I’m sure I can figure it out.”
Billie: “Mommy- you look really angry at the kitty cat. It’s my cup. You need to be nice to the cup.”
Me: “I’m not angry, I just— UGH. FRIGGIN SERIOUSLY??”
Billie: “Mommy. You got water on me again.”
Me: “Dude. I’m sorry. Can we just get you a new cup?”
Billie: “I don’t think it’s the kitty cat’s fault. And I need new pants, too. You gave these ones a bath.”
Me: “Billie, love, I’m sorry—”
Billie: (pats me on the shoulder) “It’s ok, mommy. My cat cup is really smart. You’ll get it next time. But I really need new pants now.”

There is a moment in every child’s life where their parent stops being a superhero in their eyes.
…I believe this was that moment for me.
I was foiled by a f*cking kitty cat cup.

Since Our Theme Is: Failing (At Getting The Night Off)

April 13, 2014 ObieWanJacobyadult supervision, anger, babysitter, haircut, hilarious, humor, motherhood, parenting, ridiculous, scissors1 Comment

FLASHBACK: September 20, 2013

BEFORE

So. Date nights rarely happen for me. When they do, they’re kind of sacred.

Doug and I went out on the town tonight for less than two hours and left Billie with a babysitter. We get back… LESS THAN TWO HOURS LATER to find Billie has chopped off ALL the hair on the entire front half of her head.
No joke, guys, like G.I. Jane short.

…But she left the back half alone.
So now she has a mullet.

AFTER

I… I… I… I can’t stop laughing…

Since Our Theme is: Failing (At Cleanliness & Hygiene)

April 12, 2014April 12, 2014 ObieWanJacobycleaning, craziness, humor, hygiene, mess, messy, motherhood, parenting, toddlers, work1 Comment

FLASHBACK: October 21, 2013

So. After my lovely friend, Sissy, swept and mopped the entire house Billie decided to dump pepper in the kitchen.

I told her to go get the broom and dustpan but, after five minutes, there was still a pepper mountain and no broom in sight. I walk into the next room to almost step into a puddle.

Billie: “Watch out, mommy, I went pee pee on the floor!”
Me: “What. Why??”
Billie: “My body just had to go pee and I had to listen and then things got crazy.”
Me: “…And WHY do all your stuffed animals have cherry tomatoes in their mouths!?!?”
Billie: “I TOLD YOU: Things. Got. Crazy.”

What.
…There is not enough patience in this world.

Bright side: my three year old now knows how to sweep and mop with the best of them.

Since We’re Talking About Failing (With Sass)

April 12, 2014April 12, 2014 ObieWanJacobyetiquette, frustration, humor, learning, manners, mommy, motherhood, ridiculous, toddlersLeave a comment

Me: “What’s the magic word?”
Billie: “Eat.”
Me: “Nope. Not the magic word. Try again.”
Billie: “Now?”
Me: “Still no- Come on, baby. If you want something you have to say ‘pa-pa-pa—-?”
Bille: “Pa- MORE?!!!!”

September 8, 2011

I don’t think we were getting the whole concept of manners at this juncture.
Theme: Since We’re Talking About Failing (With Sass). 🙂

Billie's Momma

I have a daughter named Billie and she's rather awesome.

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