Teacher: “How are you feeling today, Billie?”
Billie: “I feel like macaroni.”
Teacher: “Oh. Ok? Uh… How does a macaroni feel?”
Billie: “Soggy, tired, and full of cheese.”
My kid is a poet.
love
#ShitMyKidSays
Billie: “I told you it would be hard having a child. I told you!”
Me: “What? When could you have possibly told me that?”
Billie: “Before you had me. I came to your dreams and I said, ‘Mommy. It’s going to be hard having a child!’ And you don’t listen to your dreams I guess.”
I’m creeped out.
But also… Inspired?
At Least She’ll Have A Successful Career In Politics
Billie: “My picture is better than yours. See? It has a blue ribbon on it.”
Me: “Billie, you drew that ribbon on your picture.”
Billie: “Yes. I did. ‘Cause it’s better.”
Me: “What makes it better?”
Billie: “It’s better because it wins. See? It has a blue ribbon on it.”
Me: “I feel like you’re a little biased.”
Billie: “Not biased. Just right.”
Later, Doug caught me looking at the photos and sighing.
Me: “My picture is good, dammit!”
Doug: “Yea, but hers is better.”
Me: “What? Why?”
Doug: “Because it has a blue ribbon on it.”
Sigh.
There is no justice in this world.
UPDATE: due to unfortunate cup placement and bad reflexes Billie’s picture got drenched. Mine remained unharmed.
I swear I had nothing to do with it.
But the huge swelling of schadenfreude that I’m feeling at the accident is making me seriously question my parenting skills.
“Dude. She’s Fine.”
Doug said Billie was sick.
I said she wasn’t.
“It’s just as cough,” I said. “She’ll walk it off,” I said.
But Doug persisted. “Billie is sick,” he said.
“Right. Yea, Okay. She’ll be fine. If it persists after a week we’ll call a doctor,” I said.
That was 2 weeks ago.
Tonight Billie coughed so hard she threw up on me.
Five. Times.
Hey guys, guess what?
Billie is sick.
Siiiiiigh,
Doug is going to be UNBEARABLE after this.
Cat’s Got Her Grade
“How was your day at school today?”
Billie: “Good.”
“Were you a good girl today?”
Billie: “No. But I was a great kitty cat.”
“Did the teacher want you to be a kitty cat?”
Billie: “No.”
“Did she ask you to stop?”
Billie: “Yes. Again and again and again.”
“Did you stop?”
Billie: “No.”
“Why not?”
Billie: “Because I was a kitty cat. Kitty cats don’t know how to stop.”
Either she’s as obstinate as her mother or she’s taking method acting to a whole new level.
The Zombie Struggle is Real
“Dude. You’re naked. Still. Why are you still naked?”
Billie: “I hear noises outside. I hear the scratching. I think it’s zombies coming up from the ground. It’s zombies coming up from the ground to eat our whole brains out!”
“And that’s why you’re naked? Why can’t you get dressed? Do you really wanna fight zombies naked?”
Billie: “I CANT FOCUS ON CLOTHES WHEN THERE ARE ZOMBIES, MOM.”
This is our morning so far, folks.
The Princess That Looked Like Her
I have not had the best day today.
After the hellish world of suck, I still had to pick up Billie from school and go grocery shopping.
Grocery shopping with a hyperactive 4 year old is like trying to bottle lightening.
Anyways, while in the store, she sees a princess Tiana costume.
….Now, Billie already has costumes. Loads of ’em. That child lives her life in costumes. But I have never seen her eyes go so big or her smile get so wide.
“MOMMY! SHE LOOKS LIKE ME! THAT COSTUME IS FOR ME!! She has curly hair like mine, mommy!! She’s pretty like me. And she’s a princess!! Mommy. I have never seen anything more beautiful. Have you seen
anything so beautiful?”
There were four other people around us at the time. Two women with a kid, and an older, middle-aged, white guy with glasses. The women with the kid gave me an understanding smile, but it was when the man with the glasses made eye contact with me that I realized he was about to cry.
He said, “if you don’t get her that costume, I am buying it for her.”
So now, in addition to all the others, we have a new costume. But this one feels particularly special to me.
And my bad day just got a little more magical.
Thanks, Billie. Mommy loves you.
Alligators
Billie’s school has decorative tile that spreads across the entire campus in opaque lines of blue and yellow. Where there are no decorations, the tile is replaced with the obligatory champagne tile that was all the rage in the early 90’s.
Regardless of the tile’s origins, Billie has decided that all the “white” tile is infested with alligators.
This makes our morning walk through campus quite entertaining. While all the other parents shuffle their students in lethargic, herd-like fashion, I weave in and out of the crowd trying to follow my monster as she screams excitedly and narrowly avoids certain death by imaginary alligators.
This morning Billie almost collided head first with a little boy walking with his father, still sleepy and fully unaware of his egregious error of not sharing the blue tile. Billie smacked head first into him, expertly rolled off his shoulder, tip toed around him, and continued on her quest of not getting eaten while simultaneously screaming, “WE NEVER KNOW WHERE THEY ARE! THE ALLIGATORS! THEY COULD BE ANNNNYWHERE.”
I look at the father apologetically. “I’m so sorry,” I say, “the white tile is infested with alligators.”
“Oh,” his eyes widen with empathetic understanding, “I totally get it.” He smiles and looks down at his son who is now asking him about the alligators.
“Yup,” he responds genuinely, “you heard her, there are alligators in the white tile. You’d better run!”
His son paused a moment, looked at me, looked at his father, then ran after Billie screaming, “Ah!! Wait for meeee!!”
The father laughed with his whole belly before looking at me and saying, “This’ll get him to class faster. Good trick. Thank you.”
Ha. Anything we can do to help, buddy.
Billie translations:
Ketchup—-> Tomato Jelly
Sunburned-> The Super Sweaty Reds
Hot dog bun-> The Hot Dog’s blanket
The Art of Goodbye
Billie: “Why do we have to say goodbye to everyone all the time?”
“Because ‘Goodbye’ is a great, simple way to say ‘thank you for being in my life.'”
Billie: “what happens if you’re not thankful the person is in your life?”
“Then you hope you only have to say ‘goodbye’ to that person once.”
Billie: “Ok. …Mommy?”
“Yes?”
Billie: “Make sure you say goodbye to me a million times. Every day. And I’ll make sure I kiss you to the sky every time I can.”
“Deal.”
Billie's Momma 