When You Give A Kid A Giant Rainbow Zebra

ObieWanJacoby, 1 Comment

I got Billie a jumbo sized pink zebra with a rainbow mane. Why? I dunno, man. Because parenting. Anyways, the why is not important. She was thrilled with the gift. You should’ve seen her, guys. She was dancing around the house, singing songs to “Sparkle.” Sparkle was her new bestie. She cuddled with Sparkle all last night. Everything was Sparkle. And life was good.

When we woke up this morning Billie realized she had two regular sized pony/ zebra/ stuffed animal things. They became Sparkle’s children. Billie and Sparkle and Sparkle’s spawn spent the better part of this morning playing peacefully together.
But then it happened.
Billie decided that amazing jumbo sized Sparkle needed a partner.
A daddy Sparkle, if you will. Someone to raise their Sparkle babies together. A more jumbo jumbo-stuffed creature for Sparkle to cuddle with after a long, hard, imaginary day of rearing fake pony babies together.

I was none too pleased with this revelation.
My amazingly kind, albeit naive, gesture of getting my kid a ridiculously over-stuffed jumbo sized monstrosity had just been When- You- Give- A- Mouse- A- Cookie-ed.

The following conversation ensued:

Billie: “But Sparkle needs a daddy Zebra to help her. A bigger daddy Zebra.”

Me: “No. She doesn’t. Sparkle is a single mom. She’s strong and independent. She doesn’t need a ‘daddy.’ She’s got this.”

Billie: “But who’s gunna help her raise her babies?”

Me: “The monkey and the polar bears. They’re her neighbors and they’re totally down to help. Plus Sparkle has pretty solid childcare because she’s a successful business woman.”

Billie: “Moooommmmmmyyyyy! Nooo! But what about if they get sick?”

Me: “I dunno, man! Stuffed animals have universal healthcare. They’ll be fine.”

Billie: “Nooo. Sparkle needs a daddy Sparkle.”

Me: “Noooo. She doesn’t. She’s doing fine on her own.”

Doug (waking up from a dead sleep to intervene): “Or maybe she’s a stuffed animal and it doesn’t matter.”

Billie: ::blinks::

Me: ::blinks::

Billie: “I’m gunna go ask the polar bears if they can help Sparkle.”

Me: “I’ll come help.”

Aye.
Doug.
I’m seriously doubting his commitment to Sparkle motion.

When You Give A Kid A Giant Rainbow Zebra

At Least I Got Frequent Flyer Miles Out Of It

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Billie wakes up at 3:30am screaming bloody murder about her ears hurting.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

We rush her to the E.R. Despite some waiting room weirdness we get her checked out relatively quickly. Ear infection. Antibiotics prescribed. Pain relief meds given. Doc clears her for take off. It’s 4:50am now.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

We rush home quickly to have Doug’s mom drop us off at LAX. Freaking L.A.X. It’s packed. We have to check bags. I flag someone down to help us and they inform us that 2 out of 3 of the bags are overweight by 7 and 6 pounds respectively. It’s 5:25am.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

Billie is exhausted and screaming beside me. She’s tired and in pain. I’m calming her down while shoving everything I can into my carry on bag. I wrap t-shirts around my waist. I shove underwear in my pockets- I do anything I can to get the weight down. It works. Our bags are under the weight limit. Barely. It’s 5:33am.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

We rush inside to security checkpoint and  watch a tour group of 50+ students get in line in front of us. We take the elevator while they take they escalator and get hung up by a TSA agent checking their IDs. We swoop in front of them and get through security. I throw our several shirts and sweatshirts on the security belt and walk through the metal detector with panties in my pocket. It’s 5:50am.

Our flight leaves at 6:15am.

We get to the gate and they are boarding. Billie is delirious. The pain meds are hitting her. She’s wearing neck pillows as crowns and demanding a photo shoot because she “looks so fancy.” She cracks jokes about my panty pockets so that everyone within a mile radius can hear. We board the plane at 5:58am.

Our flight leaves (on time) at 6:15am.

3 minutes into our flight I realize I’m sweating from rushing around like a maniac. Billie looks at me, calm and without any hint of irony, and says, “Mommy. I’m bored. This whole day is a day of boring. Can we do something fun now?”

…
……
……..

Kid. Shut up. Mommy loves you. But shut up.

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At Least I Got Frequent Flyer Miles Out Of It

And You Give Yourself Away

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When I was little I was prone to epic tantrums.
Like, balls to the wall, burst your ear drums type tantrums.

One day, my mom noticed that I would calm down whenever U2’s “With or Without You” played. It grounded me in a very visceral way. It quickly became our song. Whenever it came on, we would smile at each other, turn up the radio, and sing it at the top of our lungs.

Billie is currently staying with my mom for the rest of June in California and, apparently, the song came on the radio. My mom explained that it was our song. Billie said, “I want it, too. It’s all of our song. We share it together.”

Now, if we can just completely ignore the fact that the song is about unrequited love and a severely codependent relationship then this would be just about the sweetest thing ever.

And You Give Yourself Away

Asked and Answered

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I never do these but this was fun and I might do it with Billie yearly just to see how her answers change. 💖

WITHOUT ANY prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. It is a great way to find out what they really think. When you re-post put your child’s age.

Billie; Age 5

1. What is something mom always says to you? “I love you and you are my love”

2. What makes mom happy? “When I hug you? Yea. That.”

3. What makes mom sad? “When you think of your favorite kitty that is dead at Mama Ma’s house.”

4. How does your mom make you laugh? “When I make jokes.”

5. What was your mom like as a child? “Uhhh…funny.”

6. How old is your mom? “32.”  Damnit.

7. How tall is your mom? “14 feet.”

8. What is her favorite thing to do? “Play with me.”

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around? “Party all the time.”

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? “Helping me write the words of my books.”

11. What is your mom really good at? “Kissing me.”

12. What is your mom not very good at? “Swimming.”

13. What does your mom do for a job? “Uh help dogs with a camera?”

14.What is your mom’s favorite food? “Cherries.”

15.What makes you proud of your mom? “When you help me do words of books.”

16. If your mom were a character, who would she be? “Top Cat.”

17. What do you and your mom do together? “Have a party all the time.”

18. How are you and your mom the same? “Because we both like each other.”

19. How are you and your mom different? “We both don’t eat the same thing.”

20. How do you know your mom loves you? “Because when I was a little baby you used to hug me all the time and love me and that I remember.”

21. What does your mom like most about her partner? “When he does nice things to you like he lets you do whatever you want.”

22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go? “Tacos.”

23. How old was your Mom when you were born? “Uhhh you were 8. Yea, I’m positive.”

So, by Billie’s calculations, in her 5 years of life I have aged 24 years.

…Sounds about right.

Asked and Answered

A Righteous Gift

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FLASHBACK: May 24, 2015

I found an extra $20 in the ATM at the restaurant we frequent. I confronted the cashier and asked him how I could find the last person who used the ATM so I could return it. His response was rather epic. It went on for about 3 minutes and included such gems as, “oh, like hell I would tell you even if I did know what yahoo left their money behind. It’s yours now,” “a GIFT yo! A righteous gift from the universe!” And “you earned it, damnit! You’re a good person and you got bills! You keep it!”

It was super empowering.
He even added a hearty “huzzah” and fist bumped Billie.

So of course I put the $20 in the tip jar.
He rewarded me by making the staff sing Billie a song.

I’ve never seen her smile so big.
Brilliant.

A Righteous Gift

Everybody Do Their Share

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This is the text I just sent to Doug:

“So I was brushing my teeth and I hear what sounded like a wave crashing in the kitchen. Knowing full well that there is not an ocean in our house, I ran toward the sound to find Billie standing in 2 inches of lemonade crying. We get towels to clean up, but she is so out of her mind bereft that she can’t calm down enough to wipe up the mess. So we stand there, together, in a pool of lemonade and do our belly breaths until she calms down. I finally get her calm, go to grab the lysol, and she moved to walk out of the room to get another towel and does this cartoon style flip and lands ass up on the kitchen floor. I can’t help it- I laugh- and in doing so, I lose my footing, slip, and shower us both in Lysol. We just sat there, in 2+ inches of Lysol lemonade, giggling manically until I realized I was the adult and had to handle the situation.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: I mopped the kitchen floor. Sorta. You’re welcome.”

He is one lucky guy.

Everybody Do Their Share