Billie: “Mom, May I have cereal? But NO MILK! I’m allergic to milk.”
Me: “Oh, yea? (No, she’s not) What would you like instead?”
Billie: “Chocolate milk.”
Me: “You know that’s still milk, right? Just with chocolate?”
Billie: “Oh, yea. But the chocolate makes me not allergic.”
….I really wish that was how it worked.
#ThisIsHowWeParent #TrailMixIsGrossTho #PoorDouglas #NutOverloadIsTheNameOfMyNewAllGirlsSoccerTeam
Me: “Did you just sneeze into that?”
Billie: “Yes. It’s a good thing my sneeze was an ingredient.”
Billie: “Why does he keep saying ‘I need you the most?'”
Me: ” Well, I guess he is trying to tell his love how much he appreciates them. But really, it is a ridiculously manipulative statement designed solely to make the person in question feel obligated to stay with him despite the fact that he may not be worth it.”
Doug: “HEZZIE.”
Me: “What? He says, ‘ I showed you the game everybody else was playing.’ What, joker, so I owe you now? You showed me how messed up people are and I’m supposed to believe that 1) I couldn’t come to that conclusion myself, and 2) that you’re somehow magically not like the rest of them? Kick rocks with that paranoid mind hacking you mysoginist!!”
Billie: “What’s a misogynist?”
Doug: “HEZZIE.”
Me: “A misogynist is-”
Doug: “HEZZIE. SHE’S FIVE.”
…She’s gotta learn sometime?
Billie: “It’s too hot. If you make me go outside again I’m going to need bacon, water, and an umbrella.”
FLASHBACK: August 14, 2014
Billie: “Mom. The sun is tricking us. It’s yellow, and it puts its yellow on everything. On the trees, on the benches, in the park… Even the sky is different looking because of the sun. And then you try to look into it and it puts spots in your eyes. You try to say, “Hey sun! Don’t put your yellow on everything! Colors are not the same!” And it puts spots in your eyes!
Without the sun colors would not look the same. We just see colors the way the sun wants us to. It’s tricky, the sun is.”
There is a metaphor in here somewhere that I cannot find because it is 7am and my kid decided to be a philosopher rather than sleep like a normal person.
FLASHBACK: August 11, 2014
I just found an ink pen, finger paint, and a costume zebra tail in my bed sheets.
Me: “You know, I can’t be sure, but I think this is your fault.”
Billie: “Well. If you can’t be sure then we should just blame it on daddy.”
Solid plan of action, kid.
Me: “Sweetie, it’s your first day of school and you’ve got crumbs all over your face.”
Billie: “I was trying to make a beard!”
Me: “A beard of crumbs?”
Billie: “Yep.”
Me: “For your first day of school?”
Billie: “Yep.”
You know what? I’m cool with it.
Flashback: July 28, 2013
Billie: Momma! I got jokes!
Me: Oh, yea? Let’s hear one.
Billie: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don’t know, why?
Billie: Because he knows I’m telling a joke!
Me: Wait- what?
Billie: BAhAHAhAhaHa!!!
Me: That’s a very interesting–
Billie: And then the cat crossed the road and the chicken said, “whatchoo doin’, cat? GET OUT OF MY JOKE!”
…Five minutes later and this joke is still going. Plus side? This is the most self aware joke I’ve heard in a while.
Billie's Momma 