Flashback: July 28, 2013
Billie: Momma! I got jokes!
Me: Oh, yea? Let’s hear one.
Billie: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don’t know, why?
Billie: Because he knows I’m telling a joke!
Me: Wait- what?
Billie: BAhAHAhAhaHa!!!
Me: That’s a very interesting–
Billie: And then the cat crossed the road and the chicken said, “whatchoo doin’, cat? GET OUT OF MY JOKE!”
…Five minutes later and this joke is still going. Plus side? This is the most self aware joke I’ve heard in a while.
Billie: “You can’t get upset, Callie. Because, at the end of the day, you are just a human. And humans are meat. And people eat meat. So don’t get too serious because someone will probably eat you anyways.”
Billie: “Humans are just skin bags filled with pee.”
Billie: “Mom. That baby is screaming. He screamed right in my ear.”
Me: “That’s what babies do, dude. You’re the one who wants a baby brother. If you had one- that’s what would happen. He would scream in your ear.”
Billie: “No. That’s not what I want. I want a baby that would scream in *your* ear. And I would just love him and put him in my machine that makes him a puppy dog.”
Me: “Why don’t you just ask for another puppy dog?”
Billie: “Because a puppy- dog- brother- baby is cooler. And I wanna see your belly grow big.”
I can’t tell if she’s a total creeper or a mad scientist.
FLASHBACK: 27, February 2014.
Billie: “Mommy. I love you very twice.”
Me: “Very twice?”
Billie: “Yup! Dat’s a very much a lot.”
Me: “Aw, thanks, Billie. I love you so mu–”
Billie: “Oh, and mommy?”
Me: “Yes, love?”
Billie: “Our doggy is a butt princess.”
Well.
Okay, then.
Good talk.
Billie: “We need to make a birthday cake.”
Me: “Who’s birthday is it?”
Billie: “Um. The day’s?”
Me: “It’s the day’s birthday?”
Billie: “Yea. This day has never lived before. Let’s bake it a cake.”
Me: “That is the coolest thing ever. Yes, I will bake a cake for the day.”
Billie: “Actually, no. I don’t think I want to do that. Let’s make a cake for my puppy dog.”
Me: “WHAT? You don’t wanna bake a cake for the day? I thought that was awesome.”
Doug (ever the buzzkill): “Why would you want her to bake a cake for the day?”
Me: “Because it’s never lived before!”
Doug: “Technically, it has. In a parallel universe.”
Billie: “YEA! That’s what I thought. That’s why I changed it to my puppy dog.”
Me: “Are you two kidding me?! Billie, you seriously just changed your mind because you had complicated thoughts on string theory?”
Billie: “Mommy. You don’t know my thoughts. It’s crazy in my head. Now let’s bake a cake for my puppy dog.”
Billie: “Do you smell that smell? It smells like a bread I used to have when I was a baby. I used to sneak it when you weren’t looking. I was a secret agent baby and I had a secret agent baby home and a secret agent baby computer. And I made an invention to make me grow bigger so that I would like that food that I’m smelling now. That was when I was little and now I am big. But I am still a secret agent.”
Billie's Momma 