children
“You don’t know my thoughts!” The life of the tortured artist/ toddler
Tricksy Sandman
Lost In Translation
FLASHBACK: November 13, 2013
Me: “okay, you’re almost ready for school. You just need to finish your breakfast, brush your teeth, and put on your shoes.”
Billie: “OK. I need to take off my clothes and play with my baby lion.”
Me: “yea, no. That’s not even close to what I said. What did I just tell you to do?”
Billie: “you said, ‘OOOOOHHweeee Billie Baby you needta dance yo lil booty off bay-beh!'”
Me: “nope. Not what I said.”
Billie: “But, mommy, (starts chanting) you like mah boooooty you like mah booooottttaye!!!!”
Me: sigh.
Billie: (now dancing in circles) “Shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shakin my booootaye! Shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shakin my booootaye!!!!”
…Ya’ll, if I could make it just one morning without this kid showin’ me her butt I would consider it the greatest of all personal wins.
Social Niceties
Teacher: “Hi Billie! Good morning! How are you?”
Billie: “Oxygen helps you breathe. But trees don’t breathe oxygen. They give that to us. Trees breathe carbon dioxide. We need the oxygen, though. Happy oxygen day!!!”
Teacher: “Oh, uh, yes! Happy oxygen day to you, too!”
Billie: “Oh, and ‘Hi’ and all that other stuff.”
The Enforcer
Billie: “Mommy?”
Me: “Yes?”
Billie: “Did you eat my candy last night?”
Me: “…Yes? (sigh) Yes. I did. I’m sorry.”
Billie: “NO! NO, MOMMMY! No. You did not listen to your brain. YOU DID NOT LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN! Your brain was telling you, ‘That’s Billie’s candy. She is going to want that’ and you just said, ‘Nooooo brain. I can’t hear you, brain. I’ma eat up the candy. Eat it right up into my belly!'”
Me: “Billie, I’m very sorry. I will replace the candy–”
Billie: “Your eyes and your brain are best friends, did you know that? Your eyes and your brain are best friends. Your eyes see and your brain remembers. When your eyes and brain don’t talk then bad things happen. Like you EATING MY CANDY.”
Me: “Bills, I get it. I said I was sorry.”
Billie: “Ok. Ok. It’s OK. I just… I wanted that candy for breakfast.”
Me: “You can’t have candy for breakfast.”
Billie: “Well, I can’t NOW.”
…She is going to be a force to be reckoned with during Halloween…
The Most Important Meal
Billie: “No! I want chocolate milk and cheeseballs for breakfast. It’s a healthy choice. You’re only saying ‘no’ because you want them all to yourself!”
She’s on to me, guys.
Babies and Science Projects
Billie: “Mom. That baby is screaming. He screamed right in my ear.”
Me: “That’s what babies do, dude. You’re the one who wants a baby brother. If you had one- that’s what would happen. He would scream in your ear.”
Billie: “No. That’s not what I want. I want a baby that would scream in *your* ear. And I would just love him and put him in my machine that makes him a puppy dog.”
Me: “Why don’t you just ask for another puppy dog?”
Billie: “Because a puppy- dog- brother- baby is cooler. And I wanna see your belly grow big.”
I can’t tell if she’s a total creeper or a mad scientist.
Motherhood & Slaying Dragons
I work a lot.
Like, A LOT.
And I love my job. It’s ridiculous and fulfilling and filled with the coolest people on this (and every other) universe.
But I work a lot.
And, when you work a lot, you tend to miss out on hanging out with your child.
So, tonight, I came home to a Billie who was dead asleep. Billie has often been dead asleep when I crawl in to hug her goodnight. In the beginning, I was racked with guilt. I was a terrible mom. I felt the pressure to be there for every waking moment on top of being there for my family financially. It has always been tough and stressful and I constantly struggle with my role as a mommy in the workforce.
But tonight.
Tonight I came home and kissed a thoroughly asleep Billie. She unconsciously wrapped her arms around my neck as I kissed her cheek.
“Did you catch all the dragons, Mommy?” She says this without waking up.
…
Yes, Billie.
Yes I did.
Mommy loves you.
Precious Moments
FLASHBACK: 27, February 2014.
Billie: “Mommy. I love you very twice.”
Me: “Very twice?”
Billie: “Yup! Dat’s a very much a lot.”
Me: “Aw, thanks, Billie. I love you so mu–”
Billie: “Oh, and mommy?”
Me: “Yes, love?”
Billie: “Our doggy is a butt princess.”
Well.
Okay, then.
Good talk.
Billie's Momma 