love
“You don’t know my thoughts!” The life of the tortured artist/ toddler
Lost In Translation
FLASHBACK: November 13, 2013
Me: “okay, you’re almost ready for school. You just need to finish your breakfast, brush your teeth, and put on your shoes.”
Billie: “OK. I need to take off my clothes and play with my baby lion.”
Me: “yea, no. That’s not even close to what I said. What did I just tell you to do?”
Billie: “you said, ‘OOOOOHHweeee Billie Baby you needta dance yo lil booty off bay-beh!'”
Me: “nope. Not what I said.”
Billie: “But, mommy, (starts chanting) you like mah boooooty you like mah booooottttaye!!!!”
Me: sigh.
Billie: (now dancing in circles) “Shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shakin my booootaye! Shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shake-ah shakin my booootaye!!!!”
…Ya’ll, if I could make it just one morning without this kid showin’ me her butt I would consider it the greatest of all personal wins.
Indecent Exposure
Billie: “MOM!”
Me: “What’s up, B? I’m in the shower.”
Billie: “You’re in the shower?!”
Me: “Yes.”
Billie: “Are you naked?”
Me: “Uh, yea. That kinda comes with the territory of being in the shower.”
Billie: “Are you wet?”
Me: “What? Yes, dude. That also comes with the territory of being a shower.”
Billie: “Well, I wanna go to the store with you and daddy.”
Me: “Um. Ok. I’m still in the shower. But let daddy know I want to talk to him.”
Billie: “Really?? Uh, ok…
DADDDDY!!! MOMMY’S NAKED AND WET AND TOLD ME TO TELL YOU SHE HAS TACOS FOR YOUUUU!!!!”
…I’m so glad we chose to open all our windows today. Our neighbors must love us.
The Enforcer
Billie: “Mommy?”
Me: “Yes?”
Billie: “Did you eat my candy last night?”
Me: “…Yes? (sigh) Yes. I did. I’m sorry.”
Billie: “NO! NO, MOMMMY! No. You did not listen to your brain. YOU DID NOT LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN! Your brain was telling you, ‘That’s Billie’s candy. She is going to want that’ and you just said, ‘Nooooo brain. I can’t hear you, brain. I’ma eat up the candy. Eat it right up into my belly!'”
Me: “Billie, I’m very sorry. I will replace the candy–”
Billie: “Your eyes and your brain are best friends, did you know that? Your eyes and your brain are best friends. Your eyes see and your brain remembers. When your eyes and brain don’t talk then bad things happen. Like you EATING MY CANDY.”
Me: “Bills, I get it. I said I was sorry.”
Billie: “Ok. Ok. It’s OK. I just… I wanted that candy for breakfast.”
Me: “You can’t have candy for breakfast.”
Billie: “Well, I can’t NOW.”
…She is going to be a force to be reckoned with during Halloween…
The Most Important Meal
Billie: “No! I want chocolate milk and cheeseballs for breakfast. It’s a healthy choice. You’re only saying ‘no’ because you want them all to yourself!”
She’s on to me, guys.
Deep Thoughts
Billie: “Humans are just skin bags filled with pee.”
Gravity is Bringing Us Down
Billie: “I’m thinking about a piece of string. If you put something on it, that thing will just fall down. That’s gravity. But if you tie a knot in the string, that thing will stop. Gravity is put on pause there. But it’s always there. I like gravity. It keeps me on my bed. If I didn’t have it I would float up above and I wouldn’t be able to rest on my bed or feel my pillow. Gravity is like magic that you can’t see but feel everyday. It’s like love that way. But love doesn’t keep my pillow on my bed. So I like gravity better I think.”
Babies and Science Projects
Billie: “Mom. That baby is screaming. He screamed right in my ear.”
Me: “That’s what babies do, dude. You’re the one who wants a baby brother. If you had one- that’s what would happen. He would scream in your ear.”
Billie: “No. That’s not what I want. I want a baby that would scream in *your* ear. And I would just love him and put him in my machine that makes him a puppy dog.”
Me: “Why don’t you just ask for another puppy dog?”
Billie: “Because a puppy- dog- brother- baby is cooler. And I wanna see your belly grow big.”
I can’t tell if she’s a total creeper or a mad scientist.
Pj Daze
She put on these colorful pajamas and told Doug she was ready to go out for the day.
Doug told her those looked too much like pajamas so she couldn’t wear them out for the day. But, he was willing to compromise. If she could put on a skirt or something to make it look more like daytime clothes then she could wear it.
She added those equally colorful shorts you see in the photo.
…I’m interested to see if she wins this one.
Billie's Momma 