Teacher: “How are you feeling today, Billie?”
Billie: “I feel like macaroni.”
Teacher: “Oh. Ok? Uh… How does a macaroni feel?”
Billie: “Soggy, tired, and full of cheese.”
My kid is a poet.
Resolution
Maddie (6): “My New Year’s resolution is to be kind to my family and love them everyday.”
Me: “That’s an amazing resolution! What’s yours, Billie?”
Billie: “Kitties.”
Me: “Kitties?”
Billie: “Yup! Kitties.”
Me: “What, exactly, are you resolving to do with kitties this year?”
Billie: “I’m going to eat them.”
Me: “Your New Year’s Resolution is to eat a cat?”
Billie: “Yup.”
Me: “What? Why??”
Billie: “I’ve never done it before. It seems like a good idea.”
“My Tongue Wants to Run Out of My Mouth”
Billie: “Mom. I can’t keep talking to boring people. When I talk to boring people my tongue wants to run out of my mouth. My words die. I have to save my tongue. From now on, I just want the weird people. They make my mouth happy.”
#ShitMyKidSays
Billie: “I told you it would be hard having a child. I told you!”
Me: “What? When could you have possibly told me that?”
Billie: “Before you had me. I came to your dreams and I said, ‘Mommy. It’s going to be hard having a child!’ And you don’t listen to your dreams I guess.”
I’m creeped out.
But also… Inspired?
At Least She’ll Have A Successful Career In Politics
Billie: “My picture is better than yours. See? It has a blue ribbon on it.”
Me: “Billie, you drew that ribbon on your picture.”
Billie: “Yes. I did. ‘Cause it’s better.”
Me: “What makes it better?”
Billie: “It’s better because it wins. See? It has a blue ribbon on it.”
Me: “I feel like you’re a little biased.”
Billie: “Not biased. Just right.”
Later, Doug caught me looking at the photos and sighing.
Me: “My picture is good, dammit!”
Doug: “Yea, but hers is better.”
Me: “What? Why?”
Doug: “Because it has a blue ribbon on it.”
Sigh.
There is no justice in this world.
UPDATE: due to unfortunate cup placement and bad reflexes Billie’s picture got drenched. Mine remained unharmed.
I swear I had nothing to do with it.
But the huge swelling of schadenfreude that I’m feeling at the accident is making me seriously question my parenting skills.
“Dude. She’s Fine.”
Doug said Billie was sick.
I said she wasn’t.
“It’s just as cough,” I said. “She’ll walk it off,” I said.
But Doug persisted. “Billie is sick,” he said.
“Right. Yea, Okay. She’ll be fine. If it persists after a week we’ll call a doctor,” I said.
That was 2 weeks ago.
Tonight Billie coughed so hard she threw up on me.
Five. Times.
Hey guys, guess what?
Billie is sick.
Siiiiiigh,
Doug is going to be UNBEARABLE after this.
#ThanksHalloween
credit: Vanessa Lucas (https://www.facebook.com/Just4TheeTaste?fref=ts)
Billie: “You’re wrong, mom. I did not eat the candy. I just bit it with my teeth. I said, ‘oh, yous a bad candy. I will bite your face off!’ and I bit it. I didn’t eat it, mom. My mouth just put it in time out.”
The Obligatory Vague-Book Post
I want to write so much right now but I can’t.
Remember, in my first post, where I admitted that it took me a long time to feel things? Yea. Well.
That’s still true.
I know what I should be feeling. Logic tells me that I should be feeling sad, enraged, upset, disenfranchised, confused, hurt, and myriad other things. But do you know what I actually feel?
Numb.
And drunk.
But mostly the first one.
You see, I respond in extremes. So when super bad things happen- or when super good things happen, I go numb.
And, right now, I am the queen of numb.
The QUEEN, I tell you.
Now. More whisky.
G’night.
Cat’s Got Her Grade
“How was your day at school today?”
Billie: “Good.”
“Were you a good girl today?”
Billie: “No. But I was a great kitty cat.”
“Did the teacher want you to be a kitty cat?”
Billie: “No.”
“Did she ask you to stop?”
Billie: “Yes. Again and again and again.”
“Did you stop?”
Billie: “No.”
“Why not?”
Billie: “Because I was a kitty cat. Kitty cats don’t know how to stop.”
Either she’s as obstinate as her mother or she’s taking method acting to a whole new level.
The Zombie Struggle is Real
“Dude. You’re naked. Still. Why are you still naked?”
Billie: “I hear noises outside. I hear the scratching. I think it’s zombies coming up from the ground. It’s zombies coming up from the ground to eat our whole brains out!”
“And that’s why you’re naked? Why can’t you get dressed? Do you really wanna fight zombies naked?”
Billie: “I CANT FOCUS ON CLOTHES WHEN THERE ARE ZOMBIES, MOM.”
This is our morning so far, folks.
Billie's Momma 