family
*thisclose*
“You don’t know my thoughts!” The life of the tortured artist/ toddler
Indecent Exposure
Billie: “MOM!”
Me: “What’s up, B? I’m in the shower.”
Billie: “You’re in the shower?!”
Me: “Yes.”
Billie: “Are you naked?”
Me: “Uh, yea. That kinda comes with the territory of being in the shower.”
Billie: “Are you wet?”
Me: “What? Yes, dude. That also comes with the territory of being a shower.”
Billie: “Well, I wanna go to the store with you and daddy.”
Me: “Um. Ok. I’m still in the shower. But let daddy know I want to talk to him.”
Billie: “Really?? Uh, ok…
DADDDDY!!! MOMMY’S NAKED AND WET AND TOLD ME TO TELL YOU SHE HAS TACOS FOR YOUUUU!!!!”
…I’m so glad we chose to open all our windows today. Our neighbors must love us.
The Enforcer
Billie: “Mommy?”
Me: “Yes?”
Billie: “Did you eat my candy last night?”
Me: “…Yes? (sigh) Yes. I did. I’m sorry.”
Billie: “NO! NO, MOMMMY! No. You did not listen to your brain. YOU DID NOT LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN! Your brain was telling you, ‘That’s Billie’s candy. She is going to want that’ and you just said, ‘Nooooo brain. I can’t hear you, brain. I’ma eat up the candy. Eat it right up into my belly!'”
Me: “Billie, I’m very sorry. I will replace the candy–”
Billie: “Your eyes and your brain are best friends, did you know that? Your eyes and your brain are best friends. Your eyes see and your brain remembers. When your eyes and brain don’t talk then bad things happen. Like you EATING MY CANDY.”
Me: “Bills, I get it. I said I was sorry.”
Billie: “Ok. Ok. It’s OK. I just… I wanted that candy for breakfast.”
Me: “You can’t have candy for breakfast.”
Billie: “Well, I can’t NOW.”
…She is going to be a force to be reckoned with during Halloween…
Babies and Science Projects
Billie: “Mom. That baby is screaming. He screamed right in my ear.”
Me: “That’s what babies do, dude. You’re the one who wants a baby brother. If you had one- that’s what would happen. He would scream in your ear.”
Billie: “No. That’s not what I want. I want a baby that would scream in *your* ear. And I would just love him and put him in my machine that makes him a puppy dog.”
Me: “Why don’t you just ask for another puppy dog?”
Billie: “Because a puppy- dog- brother- baby is cooler. And I wanna see your belly grow big.”
I can’t tell if she’s a total creeper or a mad scientist.
Today’s Billie Quotes
“I can’t take a shower. All I can do is stay alive. And poop.”
And
“The Sandman got me in my eyes. Right in my eyes. All they want to do is close. I don’t think he knew that I was trying to party.”
The No Thank You Bite
I thought I was a freaking genius when I instituted the “no thank you bite” rule.
I thought I was freaking brilliant.
You see, Billie has always had an issue branching out and trying new foods.
She, quite unlike her mother, is a creature of habit. If you gave her the same meal for the rest of her life she would probably be just fine.
Hence the “no thank you bite” rule.
It compels her to take a bite of everything on her plate, even if she doesn’t really want to. She tries it once, says “no thank you” and we move on. 70% of the time she decides that whatever she just put in her mouth was actually delicious and, despite saying a quick “no thank you” after tasting it, she ends up going back to it.
Thus my daughter expands her food horizons, makes healthier choices, and, most importantly, I feel like a good parent.
Except when it backfires.
Apparently, in my excitement of instituting the “no thank you bite” rule, I forgot to also institute parameters. Namely parameters that prohibited me from having to be responsible for any “no thank you” bites…
I have had to eat some really disgusting stuff, guys.
No amount of “no thank you bite” solidarity is worth this.
Worse? Her talents for negotiation are growing. The following conversation ensued last night:
Billie: “Mommy, can you put a baby in your belly, please? I want a brother or sister. Please?”
Me: “No, baby. Not anytime soon.”
Billie: “How about a ‘no thank you’ try?”
Me: “…”
Billie: “Yup! You have to! A no thank you try!!”
I… I… Just…
Ugh.
“Dude. She’s Fine.”
Doug said Billie was sick.
I said she wasn’t.
“It’s just as cough,” I said. “She’ll walk it off,” I said.
But Doug persisted. “Billie is sick,” he said.
“Right. Yea, Okay. She’ll be fine. If it persists after a week we’ll call a doctor,” I said.
That was 2 weeks ago.
Tonight Billie coughed so hard she threw up on me.
Five. Times.
Hey guys, guess what?
Billie is sick.
Siiiiiigh,
Doug is going to be UNBEARABLE after this.
#ThanksHalloween
credit: Vanessa Lucas (https://www.facebook.com/Just4TheeTaste?fref=ts)
Billie: “You’re wrong, mom. I did not eat the candy. I just bit it with my teeth. I said, ‘oh, yous a bad candy. I will bite your face off!’ and I bit it. I didn’t eat it, mom. My mouth just put it in time out.”
Billie's Momma 